Pura Vida Series: Part Five

Saving Face: An extrovert with generalized anxiety

This feels like one of the most personal posts I’ve written to date, because it deals with a nearly invisible trait of my personality. A few years back before moving to Seattle, (in fact, it happened during my flight to Seattle for an interview that led to me moving there a few short weeks later) I had what most people who consider a moderate panic attack. I’ve always been a nervous flyer (A jet setter who’s a nervous flyer…who knew? Thank you in-flight booze.), and this 2.5 hour flight had a bit a turbulence. As we the pilot navigated the plane to the safest altitude, I gripped the handles in my seat, held my head back, prayed for safety, and begin to have a lump in my throat that felt like I was going to choke. I knew I would be fine, but the lump in my throat never seemed to surpass. I landed and had a great interview experience. I even gave a presentation to a room of 50+ people. It was intimidating and I wanted nothing more than to just be done with the day and go back to my hotel to obsess over what was “wrong with me”. Looking back on that moment (thanks to some supportive friends and getting additional help from trained professionals), I learned that what I experienced was an acute moment of what is considered Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Whenever I tell this story to friends, they are often quite surprised and wouldn’t ever guess that I deal with these issues. The truth of the matter is I’ve found ways to manage it quite well, but vacations take me to a place of reflection on how anxiety and my ways of coping with it can positivity/negatively impact me and perhaps those around me.

One of the concepts of responding to anxiety is the dichotomy of “Fight vs Flight”. Generally speaking humans respond to most stressed induced situations by either avoiding it or attacking it head-on. You get one guess as my typical response... Yes, #ImaFighter. For me, avoiding stressors only makes the problem bigger over time. I tend to find ways to mitigate stress quickly, as it has a long term net positive result to my physical/mental well-being. This could be as simple as talking things through with a friend or seeking understanding from other sources. I also work through a process of cause an effect in my head and determine to trade-offs and benefits to various approaches. Keep in mind, this all happens in my head while I’m just casually hanging out with friends, getting basic work tasks done, and even while working out at the gym. It also means that my actions are almost never flippant, I tend to think and rethink decisions over in my head before taking action. (Why am I writing this post again?) As much as I’d like to be “raw” and share my particular stressors, I’ll reserve those topics for 1:1 conversations with those who’d like to chat more.

The point of this post is to open up and call out the reality that even the most social and extroverted people struggle with anxiety, depression, and other common mental health issues. They are all easily manageable, with the right support and mindful practices, but they are indeed quite common. So, why the stigma? Why do people work so hard at hiding it? Why don’t we openly discuss it with our friends and family? Sadly, these health issues are still viewed as a weakness and most people are not well-versed on the topic. My panic attack story wasn’t simply my nerves from turbulence. It was the culminating moment of realizing several intense decisions and resolutions I had made for myself (coming out, moving to a new city and the unknown impact being more open about my life with family and friends). And if I really look back at my life, I’ve dealt with some form of anxiety from the moment I realized I was “different” from other people, as early as kindergarten. Needless to say a lot of the stressors in my life have subsided since making the big move, but I try to be mindful of things that trigger anxiety and address them as much as I can as early as I can. I’ve also learned to keep very few trusted friends close to me. They tend to know my triggers and I feel safe talking with them openly when I need to work through something.

The other point of drafting this post is to call out some of the beauties of having anxiety (for me at least). Having worked through my own mental health issues, and perhaps coming from a marginalized background, I have a healthy dose of empathy and can be quite skilled at helping other work through challenges. I guess that’s why they pay me the big bucks to work in HR (said no one ever). But, seriously, I feel quite blessed to have an eye, ear, and heart for finding ways to understand others and provide assistance where I can. Despite being quite loquacious, I’m a good listener and pick up on the words spoken between the lines when people share thoughts with me. I pick up on body languages and levels of discomfort in social settings well before others. (This can be a blessing and a curse, btw). The reality is, I’ve learned not to stigmatize myself for having a unique skills and ability, and breathe through the moments when certain triggers rear their ugly heads… oh and to take vacations to give the mind a break from the day-to-day :)

#PuraVida

DISCLAIMER: If you feel you or someone you know is dealing with a potential mental health issue, please encourage them to seek out (medical/professional) help sooner than later. With the right support and guidance, we can all be positive contributors to each other’s success. These issues impact each person in different ways, but there are lots of simple practices that help make a world of a difference in our quality of life.

Pura Vida Series: Part Four

Tree Pose… it’s more than just a yoga pose for me.

Yoga is one of my favorite athletic and meditative activities. When you fully invest in the practice, it calms the mind, focuses your energy, promotes healthy reflection, and provides a powerful workout of strength, stability, and endurance. One of my favorite yoga principles is listening to your body. In many ways, humans tend to simply use their body as a vehicle to get stuff done, which can create total havoc on this precious vessel we’ve been given. Unlike my Christian upbringing, yoga provides an opportunity to connect mind, body, and soul. If we are intentional, we can incorporate this interconnection into all areas of life. But, rolling out the mat is a great place to start. I’m not one of those competitive yogis who’s always looking to try a new pose or push my body to extremes (although I admittedly admire and ogle at those who do…guilty grin). But, rather, I simply appreciate the sun salutations and basic postures that challenge the mind and body to find a stable position, activate muscles rarely used in regular activities, and focus on the here and now. I enjoy a good warrior one, and two… reverse warrior, side angle, and even plank…. But the posture that brings me home is Tree Pose. On the surface, I feel most confident in this pose, because I’ve always had pretty good balance. But, deep down I feel it connects to my childhood (ok, adulthood too) desire to be a trained dancer. Growing up I never felt very attractive, one of those things when you grow up subconsciously knowing you are different than others around you. However, as a child I was always flexible. I could bend my body in odd ways and even through my teens (ok even today) I can be found sleeping in the oddest positions. As my body matured, I noticed that I inherited a healthy blend of my father’s lean build and my wee bit of height from my mother’s side (her twin brother is slim and quite tall). I also noticed, that I could eat constantly and never grow beyond a 32 inch waist (I know. I know. Rough life!). Whenever I look in the mirror one of the first things that comes to mind is wondering what my life would look like if I had pursued a life of dance.

As I’ve progressed through my late-20s and now mid-30s (how the hell did that happen?!), standing in tree pose makes me feel A-LIVE!! For those few brief moments, I feel like I’m that principal ballet dancer I aspired to be as a kid, or perhaps that gymnast that wins the gold at the Olympics. But mostly, I find myself focusing on staying balanced and grounded on one foot and breathing through the slight adjustments my foot, leg, core, and overall body need to make to stay in posture. These micro-adjustments fire up all sorts of muscles, and while my body is busy adjusting, my breaths provide me moments to reflect on the challenges of staying grounded and balanced in all of life. Of course, occasionally, I’m not able to hold the posture as long as I would like, and may even have trouble setting up the pose from the outset. Those moments also remind me to laugh through the mishaps and give myself permission to try again and again and again. After all, life is lived breath by breath and it all balances out at the end.

#PuraVida… or perhaps #Namaste :)

Pura Vida Series: Part Two

Dealing with loss…

How quickly the time passes. I rang in 2015 at my new apartment with a view of the Space Needle. It was a fun housewarming with fireworks atop the local icon at the stroke of midnight. Like the feeling of meeting new people, I love the feeling of fresh starts. New Year’s Eve is one of those nights for me. Sadly, 2015 started with a good bit of loss. One of dearest mentors from high school passed away in January. I didn’t think it would hit me so hard at first. But, I began thinking back to the people who have influenced my life the most, and he is one of the first to say “David you are different and you will go places”. That made me feel special and it also made me feel a great deal of pressure to be successful and literally “go places”. When I graduated from grad school in 2006, my parents threw a mini-sendoff banquet for me, inviting our extended family, church members, and a host of my high school mentors. Mr. Dismuke spoke, in the most fervent manner, about me leaving Birmingham for the west coast and said (paraphrasing) “As I mentor young black men in Birmingham, my desire is typically to have them stay in Birmingham and make it a better city. But, David has always been different. He grew up here, he became a strong leader, and he went on to pursue education outside of these Southern walls. It is no surprise to me that he is choosing to move onward to other areas of this country. He hasn’t outgrown his roots, but rather he needs to move on to continue growing.” As he spoke, tears welling up in my eyes, I had flashbacks to my high school days when he encouraged me to get involved with leadership programs outside of my school. He explained that the more I became exposed to others outside of my school, the more I would be able to grow as a leader and influence change in our society. Even as I write this reflection, so many stories pop in my head that shaped who I am today. So, to say I was heartbroken by his passing is an understatement. Saying goodbye to Mr. Dismuke was one of the hardest things I’ve done to date. In addition to losing Mr. Dismuke, my closest friend Jose lost the love of his life to cancer a few short months later. Although I can’t imagine the pain of his loss, I definitely felt a good bit of grief myself. Although I attened 3 weddings this year, I missed the one that meant the most to me. I knew we would likely lose Derek, given the type of cancer and its rapid progression…and I wanted nothing more than to fix everything for Jose. I’m glad they were able to spend time together and even say “I do”. Alas, the inevitable happened, and I would do anything to change that.

Death and loss is quite powerful, and can have long lasting effects if you don’t address those needs in a healthy and consistent way. I try to stay active and healthy, but I will admit I probably should have taken more moments to practice healthier self-care. In the end, I rung in the New Year thinking that this would be a tough year and success would be simply making it through, and so far that has happened. And for that I’m grateful. I’m grateful for those who have helped make it worthwhile.

#PuraVida