Pura Vida Series: Part Seven (Finale)

Sit back, breathe, and enjoy the ride.

When my travel buddy and I decided to visit Costa Rica, we decided to split our time between “mountain” and “beach”. Thankfully this lush country offers a bit of both. The drive alone from the main city of San Jose to the beach 40 miles away involved over 2.5 hours of windy roads through many hills and valleys. During the first half of the trip we had a blast at the beach of Manuel Antonio. We met several guys and even received invites to a small pool party (we gays have a way of finding each other on the interwebs). The first half of the trip met my requirements for a fun-filled vacation: beach, meeting new people, sun, speedos, parties and tropical cocktails.

The second half of the trip involved traveling to the famous Arenal volcano. We booked a nice resort with the best natural hot springs on site. It was quite nice and most rooms came with a view of the volcano. I very much enjoyed soaking in the hot springs and even getting some time alone to write (hence a 7 part blog post). Our resort was nice, but definitely a slower pace than our time at the beach, and my extroverted nature craved interaction. I knew this would likely be the case. So, I made a point to find ways to satisfy my extrovert tendencies.

The fun thing about being an extrovert is you don’t necessary need to have human interaction. I enjoyed listening to music while writing, I worked out a bit at the small resort gym, and of course there were the occasional run-ins with my fellow extroverts who were there with their spouse or family. We tend to find each other no matter where we are. To give myself some much needed adventure, I made a point to try something new and face my one of my fears. During our second day, we booked a horseback riding tour and canopy zip-lining. I’ve always wanted to go horseback riding, but never had a chance to do so. I’ve also heard most people say how sore you get from riding your first time, but we had the hot springs to soak in for another day. So, that set my mind at ease, perfect situation. Zip-lining, on the hand, brought up a lot of fear and anxiety. I mean, you are hanging from a rope with no net below to catch you if you fall (AH!!). Sure there are lot of things to keep you secure, but the thought of doing it scared the bejesus out of me. Needless to say, there were no casualties during our experience. The horseback riding was awesome. My horse “Chinco” was mild tempered and responded well to my direction. We even go to speed up a bit along the way. The views of the volcano up close were beyond breath-taking. It was only partially visible, due to the constant rolling fog surrounding it, but we stood in awe at every view point along our tour. Zip-lining was beyond exhilarating, and definitely an Adrenalin pumping activity. In order to prep for myself for this, I had to do a lot of mental talk to prevent any moments of panic, and I decided to re-frame my thinking and visualize myself as a human roller coaster. My final strategy when we arrived on the platform, was to go first and “get it over with”. No need to build up anymore anticipation, just enjoy the ride.

There’s no need to belabor things in this post.  In short, I’m learning to be more open to the adventures of life. Maybe it’s my background of organizing ropes courses and team building activities, but I tend to look for deeper meanings during everyday activities. It makes the time go by faster and I tend to get more satisfaction out of life. By re-framing my thinking and visualizing a deeper meaning beyond hanging from a rope, I was able to take in the views a bit more, laugh a bit and reflect on the beauty around us every day. Despite all the challenging we face, perspective is everything. As we enter into a new trip around the sun, here’s to taking a moment to look around and focus on those people and experiences that make life enjoyable and worth it.

Oh and here’s video of one of the longer rides.

Happy New Year and #Pura Vida

Pura Vida Series: Part Six

Exploring the right fit, learning from stepping stones and keeping focused on the ultimate goal…

I must admit, ever since I was a little kid I wanted to “change the world”. I think the cool kids now calling "being epic".  I didn’t know how, but I knew I wanted my life to have an impact on others. This is mostly rooted in my Christian upbringing and modeled heavily by my parents. Despite growing up in a low-income inner city neighborhood, my parents strived to raise “model children” and we were often regarded as “good kids” in school. My dad  worked a day job to keep a roof over our heads, but he also worked multiple side gigs to make sure we had more than enough. My mom, who’s a bonafide homemaker, made sure my three sisters and I had tons of support in school. She was more than just a “PTA parent/soccer mom". She put in hours of volunteer time to support our us and our schools. She was president of the band boosters throughout most of our Daniels sibling tenure in the marching band, she sold snacks out the trunk of her car after school to raise money for our band uniforms, and she even organized serving “lunch” to hundreds of students in night school working hard to make up classes and/or to get ahead in school. On top of all of this, our family remained active in our church. Dad served as a deacon and head of the finance committee, and for many years led our church’s youth group on Thursday nights, renting a van each week and picking up kids to bring them to our church for bible studies. Honestly, I can’t really recount all the things my parents did to support us and our community, but I am extremely grateful for their influence on my life. And not at all surprised that my sisters and I all chose “helping professions” for our degree programs and overall careers. Sure, we had big dreams (I wanted to be an OB/GYN or Neonatologiost, but my first Bio class in college encouraged me to simply focus on my education major J), but I think in our core, we are most satisfied when we can see tangible real-life examples of our impact on others. We have about 8 advance degrees between us, and more to come I’m sure. Not bad for 4 kids raised by teen parents without any formal education beyond high school or community college.

When I assess where I am regarding my goal to “change the world”, I tend to graph out my activities into four categories. Job, Career, Vocation, and Calling. These four overlap in many ways, but it has helped me reframe my thinking when faced with difficult challenges, job offers, project work, volunteerism, etc.

JOBS

Jobs are just that… work that pays. No need to look for any intrinsic qualities, just get it done, earn that check, and move on! We’ve all had those types of experiences at various times. For some, this may simply be that first job as a teenager. For me, it all started as a Cashier at Boston Market at the tender age of 16 and lasted only a few short months… I quickly shifted to working retail at a small men’s clothing store and eventually landed a job at Banana Republic a few short months later (This is explains my love for classic dapper men’s fashion). The truth of the matter is many people can simply work “jobs” for their entire lives. But, the concept of a “job” is all about perspective, from the minimum wage worker, to a high powered executive making millions. Viewing what you do for work as a simple “job” will always yield minimal satisfaction. I believe MLK said it best in his famous Street Sweeper speech https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlV_ODrEL0k. Now we all know there are tedious tasks required to complete our work. Those can be considered jobs, but you’re struggling to find any level of excitement for the work you do throughout the entire day, it may be time to consider what is next…

CAREER

I’m essentially 3-4 years into my second career. I finished a masters nearly 10 years ago (yikes) and thoroughly enjoyed my time working in higher education. I enjoyed counseling and advising students, I enjoyed supervising student employees… Hell, I actually enjoyed the difficult conduct conversations with students in our disciplinary process. But most of all, I loved the connections, mentorship, and professional advocacy work that drives the discipline of student affairs administrators. I attended conferences twice a year, and even held a national role supporting our new professionals and graduate students. In many ways, I felt I my career track was heading for Dean of Students of VP of Student Affairs. But, something in my heart of hearts felt like there had to be more for me to do. I struggled with figuring that out, until I found my way into a corporate HR role. I felt so much joy making the transition as many of you that follow me on facebook could tell… (#ilovemyjob was for once not sarcasm). Now that I’m becoming a seasoned HR professional, I’m made some conscious decisions to only sign up for specific projects and roles that will help me gain skills for the future. Sounds simple enough, right? However, as you can imagine, in corporate world, it can be very easy to sign up for “high visibility” projects to get noticed by others. I actually view projects like these as “jobs”, regardless of the outcome. I just can’t bring myself to be fully invested in projects that don’t align with my passion, and no one should. Trust, if you’re not passionate about a role or a project, someone else will step up. We all have to roll up our sleeves from time to time. But I’m grateful I’ve had opportunities that have given be intrinsic satisfaction and had some form of high impact/visibility. The beauty and challenge in striking this balance: patience and waiting on the right opportunity and finding smaller projects outside of your current situation to find moments of joy. And if finding joy in your current situation is just not possible. It may be time to consider changing your career. Who says you have to stay in the same career your entire anyway? I’m on my second, and definitely not my last…

VOCATION

One of the concepts I took from my time working at a Jesuit university was the concept of “Vocation”. Students were often encouraged to discern what they were “good at”, understanding where the world needs that work to be done, and focusing energy to find those opportunities. My vocation is helping others. Plain and simple. I’m a natural networker, I help people process decisions, and I think I’m pretty good at listening and offering advice. The complexity is in finding the right time, place, and manner to use this superpower. My past career in education and even my upbringing has always included non-profit type work. So, figuring out how to do this while working full-time and traveling a ton, has been challenging. But, I’ve learn that it is best to channel your energy in the places that will make the greatest impact AND give you enough energy and time to rest and recoup. I made the decision to join the board for a non-profit two years ago, an organization I’ve volunteered for the past 6.5 years. My involvement has shifted over time, and I’ve grown in ability to support the organization in different ways. I’m in a position to give more money that I did when I first started, but I’m in a place where I can’t commit to volunteering countless hours for our annual festival. I always view “board member” as a lofty position for non-profits, but it has been fun to see how a small group of people can have such a large impact on an organization and ultimately a community. I may not work full-time in the non-profit sector, but I’m thankful to practice my vocation of helping those in need in the best way I can right now.

CALLING

Calling is a slightly nuanced term. My Christian background would say my calling is to follow Christ. But what does that mean besides following biblical teachings? I grew up in the South as a black gay kid; I moved across the country and have met lots of people from various backgrounds and experiences; I work in tech and interact with some of the brightest minds in the world; and I also see a nation and world that is hurting with injustice and desperately yearns for healing. What role do I play? The answer is the role of David. My calling is to be the best and most authentic version of myself. My calling is to be intentional with my thoughts, words, and deeds. My calling is to speak out against injustice and listen and share insights with those within my reach. My calling is to think about how all these life experiences can be synthesized to create a greater meaning and purpose for those other than myself. I have a dear friend who I affectionately call my #lifetimefave. We have the most thoughtful conversations and since the moment we met, we have been kindred spirits. He’s essentially my platonic husband and he stuck with my crazy antics. He’s a software engineer and he understands the concept of purpose. He has some successful start-up ideas, and some that have failed. But he always stays true to himself in his endeavors. In one our last exchanges he asked me what time of company I would create if he had endless resources. I mulled on the idea and said I wasn’t sure, but the question prompted me to think about my calling and all the experiences and skills I’ve acquired over the years. It wasn’t very long that a flash bulb went off in my head. My face beamed with excitement and I sent him a simple text a few days later: “I think I’ve discovered my life’s calling!” After I explained it to him, he immediately started suggesting ways to bring this calling to fruition. I explained that I’ll need a bit more time to percolate on the idea, but I would keep him posted. Words can’t express how thankful I am for friends like him. I can’t quite share this calling with others for now, but I can say that I’m very excited to see what comes of this brainchild and I hope one day it will have a lasting impact for those who are desperately looking for true change in our world for the better. More on that for months and years to come. For now…

#PuraVida

Pura Vida Series: Part Five

Saving Face: An extrovert with generalized anxiety

This feels like one of the most personal posts I’ve written to date, because it deals with a nearly invisible trait of my personality. A few years back before moving to Seattle, (in fact, it happened during my flight to Seattle for an interview that led to me moving there a few short weeks later) I had what most people who consider a moderate panic attack. I’ve always been a nervous flyer (A jet setter who’s a nervous flyer…who knew? Thank you in-flight booze.), and this 2.5 hour flight had a bit a turbulence. As we the pilot navigated the plane to the safest altitude, I gripped the handles in my seat, held my head back, prayed for safety, and begin to have a lump in my throat that felt like I was going to choke. I knew I would be fine, but the lump in my throat never seemed to surpass. I landed and had a great interview experience. I even gave a presentation to a room of 50+ people. It was intimidating and I wanted nothing more than to just be done with the day and go back to my hotel to obsess over what was “wrong with me”. Looking back on that moment (thanks to some supportive friends and getting additional help from trained professionals), I learned that what I experienced was an acute moment of what is considered Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Whenever I tell this story to friends, they are often quite surprised and wouldn’t ever guess that I deal with these issues. The truth of the matter is I’ve found ways to manage it quite well, but vacations take me to a place of reflection on how anxiety and my ways of coping with it can positivity/negatively impact me and perhaps those around me.

One of the concepts of responding to anxiety is the dichotomy of “Fight vs Flight”. Generally speaking humans respond to most stressed induced situations by either avoiding it or attacking it head-on. You get one guess as my typical response... Yes, #ImaFighter. For me, avoiding stressors only makes the problem bigger over time. I tend to find ways to mitigate stress quickly, as it has a long term net positive result to my physical/mental well-being. This could be as simple as talking things through with a friend or seeking understanding from other sources. I also work through a process of cause an effect in my head and determine to trade-offs and benefits to various approaches. Keep in mind, this all happens in my head while I’m just casually hanging out with friends, getting basic work tasks done, and even while working out at the gym. It also means that my actions are almost never flippant, I tend to think and rethink decisions over in my head before taking action. (Why am I writing this post again?) As much as I’d like to be “raw” and share my particular stressors, I’ll reserve those topics for 1:1 conversations with those who’d like to chat more.

The point of this post is to open up and call out the reality that even the most social and extroverted people struggle with anxiety, depression, and other common mental health issues. They are all easily manageable, with the right support and mindful practices, but they are indeed quite common. So, why the stigma? Why do people work so hard at hiding it? Why don’t we openly discuss it with our friends and family? Sadly, these health issues are still viewed as a weakness and most people are not well-versed on the topic. My panic attack story wasn’t simply my nerves from turbulence. It was the culminating moment of realizing several intense decisions and resolutions I had made for myself (coming out, moving to a new city and the unknown impact being more open about my life with family and friends). And if I really look back at my life, I’ve dealt with some form of anxiety from the moment I realized I was “different” from other people, as early as kindergarten. Needless to say a lot of the stressors in my life have subsided since making the big move, but I try to be mindful of things that trigger anxiety and address them as much as I can as early as I can. I’ve also learned to keep very few trusted friends close to me. They tend to know my triggers and I feel safe talking with them openly when I need to work through something.

The other point of drafting this post is to call out some of the beauties of having anxiety (for me at least). Having worked through my own mental health issues, and perhaps coming from a marginalized background, I have a healthy dose of empathy and can be quite skilled at helping other work through challenges. I guess that’s why they pay me the big bucks to work in HR (said no one ever). But, seriously, I feel quite blessed to have an eye, ear, and heart for finding ways to understand others and provide assistance where I can. Despite being quite loquacious, I’m a good listener and pick up on the words spoken between the lines when people share thoughts with me. I pick up on body languages and levels of discomfort in social settings well before others. (This can be a blessing and a curse, btw). The reality is, I’ve learned not to stigmatize myself for having a unique skills and ability, and breathe through the moments when certain triggers rear their ugly heads… oh and to take vacations to give the mind a break from the day-to-day :)

#PuraVida

DISCLAIMER: If you feel you or someone you know is dealing with a potential mental health issue, please encourage them to seek out (medical/professional) help sooner than later. With the right support and guidance, we can all be positive contributors to each other’s success. These issues impact each person in different ways, but there are lots of simple practices that help make a world of a difference in our quality of life.