Race, diversity, and dating in the gay community

(This is a mildly edited version of a draft post I wrote and never published back in Jan 2014. Funny to see how perspective and interactions have changed over the past 2 years.) 

I’ve been mulling over how to share my thoughts on this topic for quite some time. Flipping through my high and college photos ignited even more pensive thoughts. Because this post deals with race and dating, it has the potential to be controversial regardless of who reads it. But nonetheless, I think it’s worth putting out there. So here goes…

As I’m sure many of you know, I grew up in the Deep South (Birmingham, Alabama to be exact) where the racial divide is crystal clear: Black people live in the inner city, and white people live in the suburbs, with very few exceptions. I attended all-black public schools, an all-black church, and had only black friends… until my sophomore year in high school.

Like a stereotypical scrawny nerdy kid, I avoided sporting activities. But, I found my fit in leadership activities. Maybe it was due to my dad’s involvement in church youth groups and Sunday school or my mom’s active involvement in school booster activities… who knows. The point is I was “that kid” who was always on student advisory board, class president, student body president, etc etc. By the time I reached high school, I had several mentors who encouraged me to get more involved in activities outside of school and with people from different backgrounds. I had no clue how much those activities would shape my perspective on race & diversity and impact my life.

One specific activity was a week-long camp called Anytown Alabama. Staying true to its name, it was a camp where anybody was welcome and all were encouraged to share their stories, be curious to learn from others, find similarities and differences, and highly encouraged to appreciate and celebrate the uniqueness of each person’s story. I still remember the theme “Each Unique, Together Complete”. By the end of the week, my newly formed family of social misfits were walking around our-wide music festival holding hands and skipping in the streets…gender, race, and orientation was a non-issue for us. Looking back on this, I’m not sure why I didn’t come out of the closet sooner or embrace those specific ideals more in my life. Well I know it had everything to do with fear, religion, and cultural pressures from the black community. Either way, when I reflect on this experience and how I’ve chosen to engage with others in my life, I can’t help but connect this to my perspective on dating and the type of guy with whom I would like to build a life.

My friends jokingly tell me that I tend to go for “white boys”, which statistically happens to be true. BUT, what I value the most is contrast and difference. Have I dated black guys before? YES. In fact, one of my first crushes was a black guy. Admittedly, I tend to go for guys who are lighter than me, which leaves lots of options. The fact of the matter is I live in a very white city and I’m ok with that. I’m used to being the “only black guy” in a group and I’ve grown comfortable enough to the point where I don’t need to have people from the same ethnic background constantly around me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I have to admit, having exposure to more educated and affluent people has definitely shaped my desire to be with someone who is “professional” and can hold his own in a variety of social settings. With all these factors involved, the David dating pool has been heavy on the creme.

I recently ran into a guy at a bar who happened to be biracial. He was a smiling faced gregarious guy like me, and for some reason he felt comfortable bringing up the topic of guys in Seattle and how they respond to black guys. It was quite the hilarious exchange and I can definitely agree with his sentiment. This guys resolves that there are essentially 5 types guys.

There are the “WHITE, ASIAN, LATINO ONLY” boys. These guys tend to make it very clear on dating profiles and in their social interactions that they are not interested in having anything to do with black guys. I kid you not, there are countless guys on match.com that have specifically checked every box except Black/African American in their “who I’m looking for” section. On one hand I commend them for being forward and honest. However, every time I see these posts, I get a mental image of the whites/colored only water fountains of the pre-Jim Crow South. Thankfully, I have pretty thick skin, but it concerns me how these posts impact other guys and influence their dating choices.

There are the “NOT AROUND MY FRIENDS/FAMILY” boys. You catch them looking at you when they don't think anyone else is looking. The mirrors in the gym are my favorite for observing this behavior.  They are willing to go out with you, but only in 1-on-1 situations. After a few dates, you realize you’re kind of a social experiment for them. They aren't 100% attracted to you, but they’ve decided to go out with you because you’re friendlier than the average black guy and they been curious to see what it would be like. Or perhaps they’ve always been attracted to black guys, but they don’t want to deal with friends/family judging them negatively or teasing them for having “jungle fever”. Either way, NEXT!

Next up is the “JUST DON’T GET TOO BLACK” or the “WHERE’S YOUR BLACCENT?” guys. He/we put these guys into the same bucket, because they have the same impact on black guys who don’t fit into a box. They expect you to either fit in with the affluent proper English speaking crowd, or be a caricature of the traditional black culture. These notions can be very subtle but noticeable; peculiar look or eye roll when you have an occasional neck-rolling attitude moment or they make a poor attempt to mimic a sassy black woman’s voice at random moments and all you can do is shake your head. These moments happen in lots of situations, but this category is worth calling out because it requires lots of patience and forgiveness to determine if these are silly moments or a bigger issue below the surface.

Finally, there are the “CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS” boys. While it’s refreshing to meet guys who have a high appreciation for darker skin tones, it can become very uncomfortable when you begin to realize you are dating a guy who’s OBSESSED with your blackness. They seem to be super agreeable and perhaps overly complementary without taking the time to learn more about you as an individual. I find myself conflicted when I meet these types of guys, mostly because they tend to be the only viable options for dating. Similar to the previous category of guys, lots of patience is required.

I know placing guys in these buckets isn’t very fair and is certainly not how I evaluate guys on a regular basis, but I find it fascinating that a random encounter with a fellow black person resulting in us clinking our glasses and (at least on the surface) laughing at these awkward dynamics that exist in our "post-racial" society. In other words... #wegottadobetter