Dating & Relationships: The anxieties of living as a socially adept,
black gay man.
Being gay and black are often the two most prominent
identities that resonate with me. A close third would be socio-extrovert, as
you will likely experience that within seconds of meeting me. These strong
characteristics make dating life quite exhilarating (weee!)… and also quite
challenging (eeek!). In the same breath I can feel like a magical unicorn and also the hunchback of Notre Dame. Obviously, I strive for striking in the middle of these two extremes, but just keeping it real here for the sake of this post.
It is no surprise to anyone familiar with the cultural
layout of the USA that Seattle is a VERY WHITE city; not just in its overall
demographic, but also in its cultural norms. There are so many awesome features
of living in this Pacific Northwest urban oasis: environmentally conscious,
community activism, thriving tech scene. And at the same time, at the risk of
making sweeping generalizations, I’ll just say it is clear to me the
Scandinavian roots of the city bleed into most social interactions. People are
more reserved and less communicative than other areas of the country, based on
my experience. And quite frankly, many people have limited experiences
interacting with people who are different from themselves. However, being a
bubbly social guy like me can be a welcomed addition to most social settings (I
know. Humblebrag). Plainly put, I’m generally “that guy” who quickly brings
vibrant life to a party (guilty grin)… But on a serious note, I’m genuinely
curious to learn more about people and actively pursue casual chats with
others. This, of course, leads to the notion of flirting. I’m guilty of it… ALL.
THE. TIME. Sometimes harmless and unintentional, sometimes…well… very
intentional. This behavior can be a double-edged sword. It seems I’m constantly
reminded that my gregarious personality is rare quality…and also a big
deterrent for guys I’ve dated. I’m that guy that goes out to dinner and strikes
up an actual conversation with my server/bartender. By end of the meal, we are
planning a meet-up the following week. (Seriously, this has happened too many
times to count). So, you can probably imagine,
it can be difficult to envision a compatible mate.
So, how does race play into all this…. Well, I’d like to
imagine a world where race doesn’t matter, but that just isn’t true. Being
black makes dating quite a bit more challenging. Add in the notion of being
formally “educated”, seemingly affluent, socially adept, hyper-aware of cultural
differences, and interested in dating others who may be from a different
background… and it almost begins to feel like a losing battle. In no way am I
hunting for pity in this post (remember, I'm a unicorn, dammit! :P). But, I do wish to call out the notion that
dating is tough for people of color and more people should recognize that,
specifically in our gay/LGBT community. This covers all areas of the spectrum;
from guys who tend to avoid dating any people of color like the plague to those
who seem to exclusively dated people of color or even a specific race to an
uncomfortable fetish-like degree. I’m not challenging people to completely
overhaul their dating preferences, but rather take a moment to reflect on how
you treat others who may appear to be different to the general population.
Believe it or not, every interaction matters. This is true of all humans, but
especially true of those who are already marginalized in greater society. I
personally believe every human being comes with an implied label of “handle
with care”, but let’s be honest with ourselves… we know what (media-driven)
society says is beautiful, desirable, represents wealth and status, etc.
Thankfully, this is slowly changing. In the meantime, let’s be mindful of how
you treat those who do not look the part of the ideal.
On a happier note, my dating adventures this year, have
mostly been quite enjoyable. Sure, there’ve been a few bumps in the road, but I’ve
given myself permission to go on vacations and even date outside of Seattle
(yes, I’ve decided that long-distance is indeed a viable option for me). I’m
single at the moment, and actively find ways to be content with that. Overall,
my attempts at finding love have reminded me that I cannot settle for dating
someone who doesn’t want to love all of me (and vice-versa). We are all complex
beings, and no one should settle to be married to someone just because they
meet societal expectations of what is ideal or anyone who simply fills a gap of
loneliness. In all of my dating adventures, I’ve learned that it’s important to
keep your self-worth in check. Even for this extrovert, meditation and practice
of mindfulness are essential. In the words of the infamous RuPaul, “If you
can’t love yourself, how-the-hell you gone’ love somebody else?”
#PuraVida
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