It's not you(me), it's me(you)... respecting individuality

Healthy relationships are the corner stones of any thriving group of people. It requires patience, communication, and respect for individual perspectives. I know this all too well and find myself navigating this   challenge in nearly every interaction it seems. Yes, I love to have fun and shoot the proverbial shit with friends and family. But, I'll admit to over-analyzing more than my fair share of interactions with others. I'd also be fooling myself not to admit that a recent break-up and on-going issues with my family back home didn't prompt this post and my overall desire to start blogging again...

About a year ago, I met a great guy who seem to meet nearly all of my "non-negotiable" items on my list for a potential mate. He came from a seemingly healthy family, had supportive family members, had a nice career, educated, understood/value faith in God, and of course very easy on the eyes :). He was quite a bit younger than me, but the boy could really hold his own and I felt like he (like me) had an "old soul". I felt very drawn to him and within a matter of days, yes days, I decided to jump head first into a relationship with him. In retrospect, not the best decision I've made in my life. But, essentially, I had been single in Seattle for virtually my entire 3 years and figured this was my best shot at finding the ideal mate. Obviously, that didn't work out. As it turns out, non-negotiables may be helpful at first, but there are several other nuances that one must factor in their decision before entering into a committed relationship. Some factors I learned through my interactions with him and others. Some I discovered when we were apart. Obviously, it didn't work out, and its been awkward to say the least for both of us (well definitely for me). In the end, it wasn't just about me, and it wasn't just about him. It was about our paths in life and realizing we weren't on the same page about more things than we could manage and it was best to be apart than together. The hard part (for me) is letting go and allowing us both our spaces to deal with our own lives. I still value the idea of having a friendship with him, but that doesn't appear to be a viable option at this time.

Similarly, I have a very close-knit family back home. They literally live under one roof and/or in the same neighborhood, and see each other virtually everyday. I often describe myself as the momma's boy who flew the coop. I love my family dearly and would love to see them more often. But my personal journey requires some physical/emotional distance. My sisters and I share funny stories via text and we talk occasionally. I speak to mom over the phone fairly often, and dad less so. But, I haven't visited home in over a year... Why? Because I find myself feeling boxed in when I'm at home. I feel I have to be a different person when I'm around them, because they're not genuinely interested in learning more about my life; they just want me to be around more often (understandably these two aren't mutual exclusive). But, I feel pressure to either avoid talking about my dating/social life altogether or have very intense conversations about the topic, which is taxing on everyone. I wish we could just have casual conversations about the people involved in my life. I wish my nephews could grow knowing why uncle David doesn't have a girlfriend. I wish my conversations with my parents weren't limited to "how's work?" and "are you eating ok?". I'm sure this is what they would say if I were straight too, but I believe since I've come out, they resolved that asking about any form of family/relationship is just too painful to broach. So, I resolved that I won't fly home until we get to a better place. Seems a bit selfish on my part, but it's what I need to do to advocate for my own sanity and mental well-being. This may change overtime, but it's what's best for me.

Sometimes you have to take a step back and see yourself in a situation and not just be in the situation. Relationships require this more often than we think. I can be easy to go through the motions with people in our life and never take inventory on whether or not we are helping each other become better human beings. I only spoke about dating and family in this post, but this has been crucial in my decision to include certain people in my given and chosen family. People who you keep closest should be those who display the most congruence with your perspective in life. They may be in a similar place in life or have been where you are (vice versa). Or they simply know how to actively listen and respond with loving and mature levels of empathy (age, gender, orientation, ethnicity, and religion aside). Ultimately, we all have our own paths and it takes patience and courage to respect when they don't align as well as we hope. One step, one minute, one day at a time...

One year later... it's all about perspective

Over the past year, several colleagues and friends have asked why I chose to change careers. I usually give my "PR response" that being a college recruiter for tech jobs is not very different from being a student affairs professional. You just have to work hard at increasing your business acumen and learn where to utilize your soft skills and knowledge in the new space (true, but there was more to this decision of course). I also receive questions about how I managed to get a job outside of higher ed; and I usually say it was sheer luck (also very true, but I must admit there was some subtle strategy on my part).

Rewind to spring 2012... Without disclosing too much information, I will say that this time last year was very difficult for me as a professional. I had worked very hard for 6+ years building a career as a student housing and college administrator. Navigating campus politics was essential each and every day (so it seemed), but I genuinely enjoyed my work and constantly found ways to be re-energized and apply innovative approaches to my work. When I moved to Seattle 4 years ago, my plan was two-fold: 1. move to a city where I can have a personal network of friends outside of work, and 2. find a job that could provide opportunities for career advancement over time. When I learned how much growth would be occurring at my last job, I assumed I had found a perfect opportunity. Unfortunately, 3 years later, I found myself in a very awkward space that led to me being "passed over" for a promotion. There was of course lots of bureaucracy involved in this decision, and ultimately I believe the job went to the right person. But the most challenging problem was learning how to navigate the awkwardness in the workplace, realizing that some people had full knowledge of the situation and others had no clue where I stood in this internal process until the very end.

My challenge: Keep Calm and Carry On. My inner city prideful family upbringing taught me to "never let them see you sweat". Coming from an underprivileged background can teach you some not-so helpful lessons of keeping your guard up. But this was a time where this philosophy was well worth it. Did it hurt to not be considered for a role I knew I "deserved"? Absolutely! Did it sting to hear that others with "less" experience were able to advance ahead of me? You better believe it! Ha! But, at the end of the day, my desire to maintain professional yet authentic relationships with all involved became a bigger priority than simply "keeping face at the board room table". Needless to say, this was no easy feat.

A big thank you to close friends and mentors who listened to me vent about the situation, gave me space to laugh and cry about things, and helped me to reframe the situation and  focus on what I could control. I resolved that moving on was the only option... but where? The job market sucked and student affairs salaries don't exactly provide you with ample resources to maintain a certain quality of life in major cities. Do I bite the bullet and look for jobs in suburban rural areas ("Oh hell No!", I'd said to myself every time I saw a job posting at po-dunk town university). Or do I cast a wide net and start looking for opportunities outside of higher ed? A much more reasonable idea. This is where my personal work/life balance philosophy and quality of life strategies came in quite handy.

Going back to my personal reasons for moving to Seattle (building a personal network), I found myself focusing more on friendships, social activities, and less on "work". I still cared about my job, but I found ways to be more efficient, delegate, and spent more time on me. I actually attended a conference in Portland this time last year that was focused on storytelling and learning how to frame your experience to better understand your personal journey in life. I found ways to apply this to my future work, but mostly realized this was God's way of helping me to see that life is all about perspective.

When I returned from this conference I had a gut feeling that something promising was about to happen. It may have just been post-conference optimism, but I seemed happier returning to work and was ready to just "move on". About a year prior I started running, and ran a few 5Ks even. Initially, it was for physical fitness and testing my own endurance, but it was also a way to let out stress from what I realize was not the healthiest work environment for me. I also joined a running group of gay men called Frontrunners. This group meets on Saturdays and runs 3-6 mile courses and meets afterwards to for coffee. I had managed to meet lots of nice guys, but it was definitely more casual hangout than a networking opportunity for me. As chance would have it, I met a guy a couple weeks post-Portland conference and learned that he was a college recruiter for a tech company. This was our exchange.
ME: So, what type of work do you do?
KK: I'm a college recruiter for x company.
ME: OMG! Hire me!
KK: Well, actually we are hiring lots of people right now.
ME: Again, seriously, HIRE ME!
KK: Well, what type of work do you do?
ME: I'm a lowly student housing professional but I love recruiting and have lots of transferable skills....
KK: Wow, that actually sounds like a good fit for our team and might help you do well in this space. Send me your resume and I'll see if we can get you in for a phone screen.
ME: awesome!  

A few days later I had a phone screen. A week later, a final round. And the rest is history. In the end, being "passed over" for a promotion was definitely a blessing in disguise. I was brought to one of my lowest points personally/professionally, but I learned a lot about myself and was stretched in ways that I never imagined. And more importantly, I have a job/career that excites me beyond belief. Even one of my senior student affairs mentors said "David, this job sounds perfect for you. I'm actually quite jealous." Would I ever consider going back to higher ed? Maybe. But, I'm enjoying the newness of this stage in life and just happy to be where I am. Sometimes it pays to just stick with the not-so happy times and learn to ride the turbulent waves until things get better.

Extrovert in an introverted city

When I first moved to Seattle, I made a conscious effort to go out and socialize with lots of people in the city. Most often at bars, but also at various volunteer events. I quickly noticed that a number of people at bars tend to stand with pods of friends and/or stand by themselves, notice people around them, but rarely and/or never make an effort to say hello to others around them. This I quickly learned to be a sign of the "Seattle freeze". Being the gregarious person I am, I often made an effort to introduce myself to random people who appeared to be open to conversation (anyone not obsessively looking down at their feet or phone). I figured, despite how "closed" everyone appeared to be, they were clearly interested in being in a social environment. So, why not engage them in social dialogue? For several weeks/months, I only encountered a few awkward moments where people weren't willing to engage beyond a simple "hello. how's your night going?". In fact, I actually received an interesting response from most people. "Oh, you're new here, and not afraid to say hello to people in public. You'll do really good in Seattle. We need more people like you." (paraphrasing of course). But, seriously, this was the reaction I received from multiple people. Little did I know this friendly disposition would come to bite me in my gregarious ass over time! ha! Don't get me wrong. I've met some great people and had established several strong friendships in my nearly 4 years here. But, I've also learned that apparently, I'm too forward, too assertive, too socially/self-aware(?) for some people, and have found myself often times feeling as lonely as the awkward nerdy guy sitting at the bar looking down at his shoes (yes, these type of people frequent Seattle bars). What do I mean by lonely? Basically, because I'm one of the few people willing to put myself out there and meet others, I tend to scare the more timid type people away (even guys who may be interested in dating me. gasp!). I never thought being too friendly and secure in ones own self would be considered a turn-off, but I'm starting to think it is indeed a flaw to some guys. Not ready to make any drastic decisions, but beginning to think I'm "damned if I do and damned if I don't" as my folks would say...

Books and Films...

here are a few books and films that have made an impression on me lately...

VALLEY OF VISION (book of Puritan Prayers)... I keep a copy in my backpack just to refer to when I'm walking around the city or to meetings at work on campus. The language is a bit archaic for me, but I am able to understand the spirit of their messages.

LOVE IS AN ORIENTATION: ELEVATING THE CONVERSATION WITH THE GAY COMMUNITY... The author Andrew Marin does a great job of explaining the desperate need for reconciliation between the evangelical church and the gay community. This book helped me to come to terms with a lot of things in my life and I appreciate Andrew (being a straight white Christian man) for putting himself out there as an ally to the community and a beacon of hope for this on-going, fear-driven phenomenon. Thanks to my good friend Farmer for suggesting this to me....

ADAM (2008)... This film focuses on a relationship between a woman and a man who has asperbergers syndrome (a more complex cousin to autism). Its a heart touching story that brings to like the realities of the "socially awkward" people in the world. I work with a special population of students in my job and due to some recent mental health issues I've faced myself, I find myself very intrigued by the brain and personality disorders. Its so easy just to label people and never take the opportunity to explore their individual stories. This film teaching a good lesson to the world (particularly the US and its Type A-driven societal focus) and raises the questions...should we focus our energy on medicating and and training individuals described as awkward or disturbed to conform to societies accepted behavior?? OR should we help society to learn how to relate to these remarkable individuals???

DREAMS FROM MY FATHER: A STORY OF RACE AND INHERITANCE... President Obama's stories caused me to think more about how I can be used to make an impact on society. We've all heard about his remarkable journey from childhood to the White House, but to read it (at least part of his journey) in his own words is quite intriguing. At first I thought it would be cliche to liken myself to Barack, but after reading this book for my staff training this summer (despite having it on my bookshelf for months untouched), I can understand what it feels like to be so lonely, without a real father, just stories told by loved ones and still be inspired enough to work hard at achieving high goals. By no means am I saying my dad wasn't involved in my life... I just always felt he was more of a figurehead in our house that we revered and respected as opposed to someone I knew on a heart level and mentored me throughout life. I've learned some great lessons from my dad, but many are lessons he didn't directly teach me; and I'm thankful for all those lessons.

WIG (2009): http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1357081/ Director John Holland does a great job at depicting a funny, yet heart touching story about a successful driven songwriter (having everyone in his life depend on him or reject him because of his life "choices"). Following his mothers death, he steals her wig that she was known for wearing and wears it around the house as he attempts to grieve her death. Its quite the hilarious short film, that I just watched today at the Seattle Lesbian & Gay Film Festival http://threedollarbillcinema.org/09 . But I found myself coming to tears, cause I started to imagine what it would feel like to come "undone" if and when I ever lose my mom before I die. The writer and lead actor of this film was at the viewing today and he spoke about his mom during a Q&A session. She didn't actually wear a wig, but she was known for having very long well-kept hair. I too could relate. My mom has always had long hair (especially for a black woman), she's never used a chemical relaxer; she's always done the old school wash press and curl thing that black women used to do before chemical perms can on the scene. Its definitely one of my favorite features of my mom. I used to stroke her hair a lot when I was a kid, and whenever she had to attend a formal event for me in school, she would ask how she should style her hair. I'd always ask her to wear it down (she was very known for putting it up in a french roll or some other "up do"). As long as it wasn't too hot and humid out (which is rare in the south) she would obliged and I head my head a little higher, because I love to show her off in front of my classmates and friends. I really miss seeing my mom right now. I guess thats why I'm going on and on about her....

Enough for now... thanks for reading.
~DD

You Are Blessed...seriously?...seriously!

having brunch at one of my favorite places on the hill... Rose Bud on Pike

just left church service which is just down a couple blocks and heard a great sermon on the 'beattitudes" Matt 5. The interesting part of the sermon was the pastor read the passage from "The Message" translation and i came to tears during the entire reading.

A little context...

This past week was very intense and stressful for me at work. Not stressed in a bad way, but i felt challenged to learn more about the working culture of my department and those i work with, and everyday felt more and more like the 'new guy' at the table as we discussed various approaches to our work. No matter how many techniques we discuss about approaching our work with students, I have come to realize that my foundation for life is often very different from those i work with. i guess you can say i've felt more and more like a stranger or alien (a reference from I Peter). On the surface it appears that i am simply more focused on student development and less on purely productivity and the customer service aspect of my position/department. But no amount of time at the gym, yoga class, or consuming adult beverages could resolve this internal frustration i felt as the week came to a close.

Once the pastor read the passage at the beginning of his sermon I instantly realized the root of my pensiveness and began to silently weep out of a healthy dose of emotional relief. I was simply not recognizing the reality that no matter how challenging the circumstance i am blessed beyond belief...not because of my good works or efforts to be more student-focused, but because my motivation for being holistically excellent in my work is in response to a great and humbling reality. Read on and share your reflections if this passage resonates with you...

Matthew 5:1-16 (The Message translation)
1 When Jesus saw his ministry drawing huge crowds, he climbed a hillside. Those who were apprenticed to him, the committed, climbed with him. Arriving at a quiet place, he sat down 2 and taught his climbing companions. This is what he said:
3 "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. 4 "You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. 5 "You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. 6 "You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat. 7 "You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'carefull,' you find yourselves cared for. 8 "You're blessed when you get your inside world - your mind and heart - put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. 9 "You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family. 10 "You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom. 11 "Not only that - count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. 12 You can be glad when that happens - give a cheer, even! - for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.
13 "Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage. 14 "Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. 15 If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. 16 Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand - shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

the art of self-dating :)

So, if you’re someone who’s been close to me in the past couple years, you probably know that I am admittedly a “serial dater”; not that I’m unable to or uninterested in anything long term, but more that I’m comfortable putting myself out there and taking the initial step to meet just about anyone of notable interest for the proverbial cup of coffee. And, yes, I do believe coffee dates are the ideal first date environments... Its quite simple, if you and the person really hit it off, you can chat for hours with interruption from the server asking if you’d like another glass of wine or interested in the dessert menu. On the other hand, if things just aren’t meshing (say the person weighs 30 lbs more than they did in their profile photos OR even better, you quickly realize they are a little more socially awkward and dorky than the geek chic you were hoping for) you can call it an early night and say your pleasantries after a solid 20 minutes and be on your way with much more money left in your wallet. So, needless to say, I go out several first and second dates on any given week. It’s actually quite refreshing to meet so many new faces in a 1-on-1 setting, especially since I’m a huge extrovert and love the art of communication ☺. PS: So far, my favorite coffee shops in Seattle are Bauhaus Coffee on Capitol Hill http://www.bauhauscoffee.net/ and Café Solstice on the Ave in the U-District (near UW’s campus) http://www.Cafesolstice.com.

But, on occasion, I find myself longing to just treat myself to a night alone. Not a night alone at home, although they are much appreciated, but rather a night out by myself. I did just that tonight. I went to one of my favorite bar/restaurants called Rose Bud on Capitol Hill. http://rosebud-restaurant.com/ They have the most savory bowl of macaroni with smoked gouda cheese, and the bartender makes a kick-ass bloody Mary. Plus, they have these cool windows that open inward and the the people sitting at the table to literally be inches away from people walking along the sidewalk. So, even though I’m eating alone, I still get to watch lots of people pass by and interact with the rest of the world. I was really excited about this self-date, because I also got to see a movie I’d been anticipating all weekend (I was stuck on-call this past weekend and couldn’t make it down to this indie theatre to check out the movie on opening night). After scraped my mac&cheese bowl and took my last sip of spicy tomato juice with a spirited kick, I headed around the block to the Egyptian theatre http://www.landmarktheatres.com/market/Seattle/EgyptianTheatre.htm and waited for the movie “Adam” to start. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1185836/ Writer/Director Max Mayer does a decent job of capturing the life of a young man who learns to live with a mild case of Asperger’s Syndrome and meets a woman in the building who eventually falls smitten to his rare and refreshing dose of genuine honesty. Yes, it’s a total chick flick, but I also thought it raised some interesting issues about falling in love and mental/developmental disorders. Of course the guy with Asperger’s with super attractive and the lovely woman who falls for him comes from an affluent background that would completely forbid her dating anyone but a rich investment banker who could add to the family’s wealth. I won’t spoil the movie for you. But I’d recommend checking it out if its showing in your area. I wish I could judge a movie based on whether it makes me cry, but sadly when I watch movies alone, I am a complete sap and find myself shedding tears and choking up over the simplest gestures or moments of romance in a film.

I don’t think there was anything profound about this particular self-date night, but I think I definitely prefer taking myself out to the movies, versus staying home to watch a movie alone. Sure, my couch is a bit more comfortable than a movie seat in a renovated theater, but there’s just something refreshing about treating myself to something other than a quiet night at home, and allowing myself to just be me and not worry about impressing someone or spending any energy wondering what the other person is thinking as we sit and watch a movie together. Plus at the end of the day, I’m the cheapest date I’ll probably ever have! LOL

Why Seattle??

I’ve been asked this question by many people from my family & close friends to my interviewers (now colleagues) & nearly every person I’ve met since moving here. Some people ask in a tone that implies a bit of skepticism, others ask out bewilderment because they’ve never been exposed to the pacific northwest, but I’d like to believe most are just sincerely interested in my decision making process and wonder what’s so great about this city. So, I’ll try to sum up my answer in a few points:

- CITY LIFE- I’ve always wanted to live in a big city. I moved to Connecticut to attend graduate school five years ago and one of main attractions for me was living so close to Boston and Manhattan. Sadly, I only visited Boston 3-4 times in two years and step foot in Manhattan only twice ☹ Then once again, I accepted my first job in the bay area of California, because the campus I’d work for was only 40 miles south of San Francisco. I’m happy to report I had much more success venturing off to the city on a regular basis, but quickly found that a 40 mile drive usually meant at least an hour commute, which is not very conducive when you want to go out for the occasional adult beverage. Haha. So, needless to say, I was set on moving to an actual city for my next job. I looked at jobs in Chicago and NYC, but I recently visited Seattle last March for the 2nd time, and realized how much I enjoy the vibe of the city. I got to hear one of favorite hip-hop/R&B artist (Rafael Saddiq) and road on a bus to the downtown area everyday. Plus I got to wear a scarf and cap everyday (I love to wear scarfs and caps), but I wasn’t freezing my ass off. So, when I saw a job posted on higheredjobs.com for the University of Washington, I decided to just go for it.

- COFFEE SHOPS- People drink more coffee in Seattle than anywhere in the world…haha OK, I’m not sure that’s a fact, but lets just say the first Starbucks is located here. And you can’t walk two blocks without passing by some type of coffee establishment. I like coffee, but more than that I like coffee shops, mostly because it’s a great place to people watch. Not in a creepy way, but in a reflective way. Its one of the few places you can see business folks meeting to prep for a presentation sitting next to a homeless guy taking a break with his loyal canine companion resting by his side. These images make me realize more that the world does not revolve about me, but rather I am simply playing my role in this production we call “life”.

- WEST COAST ATTITUDE- As many of you know, I grew up in Birmingham, Alabama in a completely homogenous neighborhood. I grew up in a Black world and every aspect of life was seen through the lense of a black man in America. It wasn’t until I was a sophomore in high school that I began to participate in activities that involved people from “over the mountain” and I from that point I’ve had this constant desire to see new places and interact with people different than myself…only to eventually find out there are more similarities than differences between us, if we are willing to spend some time getting to know each other. Moving to the northeast was fun, but I found the people and the communities there to be…well….lets just say more rigid than I was expecting. Most people were very friendly and opened up if you were willing to get over the wall they automatically had up as a natural form of defense. The west coast, by far, is the most eclectic and diverse place I’ve ever lived, and I just couldn’t lose that aspect by moving to Chicago or NYC. So, again, Seattle rose to the top of my list as an ideal location. More than that, I have developed some strong ties with folks in California and didn’t want to move too far from them. So, even though I’m no longer there, I’m only a 2-hour flight away…hint hint ☺

- CONNECTING WITH A TRUE COMMUNITY- Finally, Seattle (and other large cities) stood out as a good place for me, because I wanted to find community with people like me. Growing up in the inner city, I missed the idea of attending a church in the middle of city. Once I moved away to college, I attended primarily churches in small towns or in suburbia, all hoping to have an impact on the nearby city/campus of course... yet comfortably nestled in a conveniently quiet neat clean sanctuary away from the madness of it all. As an evangelical Christian, I’d like to worship in a church that is located in the epicenter of the city and reaching to people from all walks of life. Urban cities are the best place to reach those business men and that homeless guy I spoke of earlier. So, I’m looking forward to finding a community of believers to connect with as I continue to engage in the greater community of Seattle.

- COMING OUT, INTO MY OWN… Finally, in addition to connecting with a Christian community, I was very excited about living in a city I could become an active member of the GLBTQ community. If you don’t know what those letters stand for, they represent the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer community. If you are a facebook friend, you’ve probably picked up on the subtle (and some not-so-subtle) hints that I’ve recently made the choice to come out as a gay man. If not, I guess you know now ☺. I’ve struggled for years trying to figure out why and how I was oriented this way. And after several years of praying to God to ask him to “change” me, I realized his answer was “you have already been changed when you first believed in me”. During these years of struggling and praying I became increasingly depressed and felt despair about life, that I would never be “normal” and never be able to effect change in the world as Christian, if I had this issue. The church (as an institution) has not helped in this regard, so the more I “fought this desire” and tried to increase my involvement in the church, I realized I’d have to spend a lifetime living a double life. In fact, when I moved to Cali, for the first two years I had 3 lives: my work life, my church life, and my gay life. I built great friendships in all three lives, but I rarely let them know about the other two areas. It wasn’t until my 27 birthday party, that I invited all my coworkers and all my closest gay friends to dinner together. There were over 30 people there! It was so relieving to see everyone interact with each other and share stories about how they got to know me. Obviously, I never incorporated my “gay life” into my “church life”. Although I did make strides by opening up to my pastor and surprisingly received a great amount of loving support. Leading a triple life can be very exhausting and it made the depression over time increase exponentially. So, I resolved in the past year, that I would begin to merge my different lives and find a place to live where I could be openly gay…openly Christian… OPENLY DAVID to everyone I encountered. To some that may seem like a gay Christian may sound like an oxymoron, but trust me… I know in whom I have believed and pray everyday that He’ll use me to make a difference in the world for his kingdom sake. I don’t quite know yet where this journey will take me, but I’m very excited about what is yet to come!

WHEWWW… ok I said it! So, feel free to email me with any questions. For the most part I’m an open book. ☺

Thanks for reading my really long first entry…
Cheers!
~dd

so, maybe i did fall off the face of the earth...

the truth of the matter is work has consumed my time, and i just lack motivation to blog. not blogging isnt a sign that i've forgotten about my friends back in bham. Its a sign that i've become more acquainted with friends on my job and having an actual "life" in california. Last week I visited Orlando Florida for a national conference for student affairs professionals. There are usually two national conferences to choose from, sponsored by our two main organizations for student affairs. But every 10 years they join together and offer one massive joint meeting (nearly 10K). Al Gore was our opening keynote speaker (he spoke for well over an hour..ugh) but had some great information to share. If you haven't seen his movie, check it out. But his presentation had nothing to do with our conference, other than the fact that our field is generally liberal and supportive of these types of issues. I personally think he should have paid our organization to speak, since he only used his time to push his personal agenda....haha.

anyway, i finally settled in my apartment (ie. put up curtains and put away clothes that were still in boxes). To celebrate, I invited co-workers and friends over for a St Patty's Day party. My kitchen counter top now looks like a fully stocked bar..haha I started hanging out with 20-something folks at church (we have a weekly pub night at stanford area bars and pubs) and even sang with the music team a couple times during service. Grace is a great church. I just wish i didnt have weekend commitments sometimes. I attend church less frenquently than I would like to sometimes, and I actually haven't become an official member yet. But, the people there have grown on me. Ultimately, I would like to find a job at a school in the city (San Fran) or move back east to Boston or New York. The Silicon Valley is still too suburban for me. But my job is a good place for me to be right now. We'll see what happens in the next year or so.

I've had my share of emotional up-and-downs, feeling lonely because of my singleness and moving to a new place. but honestly, the bay area is too beautiful for me to be depressed all the time. I am blessed to have a good job and to be living in a beautiful place. Who cares if I'll never be married...haha (ok, thats at least what i tell myself sometimes). Plus, I found a dance studio to learn more salsa moves. I couldn't make the times during March, but I hope to start classes again this month. I also found two places (one in Santa Cruz (by the beach) and one in San Fran) to get away and dance to live band music. Cant wait for Cinco de Mayo :)

My family is doing ok. My nephew Jaylon will be 6 next friday. (whoa time flies!) My mom gave us a scare with her heart. She avoided seeing the doctor about having problems breathing and her month long "cold". Finally she went in to have some tests run. She's now taking some daily medication, and there's not a lot of blockage. So, she should be ok. But you can pray for her. It was quite a scare for me.

So, thats an update for me....no promises on when I will blog again...haha

2 1/2 week trip to Birmingham...

So, instead of blogging about my life's joys, bloopers, fears, and pains for the past 5 months....(Man, finding the time and most importantly, the motivation to blog is harder than i anticipated). I will hopefully get a chance to see you all during my visit to Alabama. I was originally staying for only 8 days, but had to change my flight due to a death in the family. So, now I'm flying in much earlier and staying much longer than expected. Hope to see and hear from you all between Dec 14-jan 2.

Cheers,
~DD

Rebirth of the Pre-Teen

Here a quick view of my new look for the next year or so. (Hopefully, not longer than 2)

my so called life continues....

Hey folks,

I know...way overdue update. Lets just say, its taking me a while to get adjusted to having a fulltime job that entails living where u work and working where u live. Sure, its convenient when ur commute to the office involves walking out of ur apartment door, and down a flight of stairs. But, living down the hall from my vibrant freshman and sophomore residents drives me crazy. I feel guilty for not "hanging out" with my neighbors. But, chances are, they dont want me to be around for what they consider "fun". Plus, I am still settling in my new apartment, after living in a temporary apartment for 2 months. I moved here 5 weeks ago, and with school starting, havent had time to do anything. But I must break out the cement drill bits and picture frames this week for sure. We're having staff progressive night (which basically open house for all the staff in my building).

Why did I decide to get braces so soon after starting my job?? After many postponed appointments, and having four bucuspids ripped out of my gums, I am finally getting braces monday morning. I am definitely taking a REAL sick day! But, i might as well get my car registered too right? :)

Church is good, but I'm not really involved yet... Social life isn't too exciting, but I get up to SF as much as I can on the weekends. I hope to start taking Salsa dance classes in November, and maybe I'll get to the gym this week. HA!

Family back home is good. I talk more with my sisters now than I ever did while at montevallo or uconn. I'm not going home for thanksgiving, but Christmas should be good. Enuf for now. I guess I should sleep. Cheers

I'm still alive...

Hey folks,

Sorry I haven't posted a blog in a couple of weeks. A lot is happening with work, but I just don't have the time to write it all out right now. Stay tuned, and I hope you all are doing well. Oh, by the way, NorCal weather is still absolutely perfect, in case you were wondering. haha

community and communion...and beer

This is short, but I wanted to share some truths I have experienced latey (mostly just yesterday). I had a great conversation with BP yesterday afternoon, and for the first time really began to get my hands around this... When I am struggling the most with sin, fear, and doubt, the best place for me to be is with a community of believers. I also have begun to experience the joy that is in taking communion and experiencing that means of grace that Christ has given us. I have heard this language before (or something like it), but never knew what it would feel like to actually experience it first hand. and finally, I am thankful to Sam Adams for making good beer, it made my conversation with BP all the more enjoyable...haha

Plastic or Metal

So, I am joining the ranks of pre-teens all over the country (and my friends Amanda and Adam) to get braces put on my teeth at the age of 25! Even though my insurance doesn't cover it, I can set aside pre-tax dollars to pay for them over time thru my job...(sigh of relief) Now, I have a choice to make: Traditional metal brackets for 1 1/2 to 2 years or Clear plasic-like brackets for a few months longer? I'm not sure, but I think I want to go with the more esthetically appealing choice. (at least for the top row). I guess Amanda is the only blog reader who can speak from experience, but what do you folks think?

I can rent a car now!!

Or at least rent one without being charged an additional "under 25" fee. So, Saturday was my birthday, and like the past 5 years, I have spent it away from my family, thanks to Beach Projects, CCP, training at UCONN, and my new job. But, I did get to talk with everyone back home and listen to their well wishes and teasing about me "getting old". My first birthday involved going to the 28th Annual Garlic festival in Gilroy, CA, which is the garlic capital of the world (and they are proud of their garlic)..haha. I met up with this girl from Boston that is interning at a nearby school. Actually, we've hung out twice in the past week. So, i could possibly call Saturday a 'date'. Not sure if anything will happen with that. Of course she leaves in another week for Boston, but she has two of my favorite qualities: Latina, and can dance salsa! Last Sunday we spent the afternoon at the famous Boardwalk amusement park and ate dinner on the Santa Cruz wharf...good times. If anything more comes of that friendship, I'll be sure to let you all know.

So, the other thing I did for my 25th was eat, drink, and be merry with my co-workers and their partners/spouces. Come to think of it, we do a lot of that...eat, drink, and be merry. Thanks to our lucrative budget and our convenient location, our RD (Resident Director) staff retreat involved us spending a day and a half in San Francisco...dining at fancy restaraunt, staying in a nice hotel, karoake bar, going to famous musical..good times I tell ya. I can stand this for a few more years..haha. We're even going to the Giants vs. Dodgers game as a staff in a couple weeks!!

So, overall life has been fun in the bay area. I shared at a community group meeting that my biggest challenge is trying to find a group of friends to spend time with and just getting adjusted to my truly single adult life. Don't get me wrong, I am sooo thankful that I already knew folks before moving here. But, the truth is its hard being single and working at a university. I can't exactly make friends with the undergrads, cause I'm a full-time staff member (the line was a lot grayer when I was a grad student). And, most of my colleagues are so different than me, that I find myself getting frustrated because I know that we couldn't just hang out all the time outside of work.

The church thing is sort of a struggle too. I've enjoyed my time attending church with my bama friends, but (i can't believe I'm actually saying this) well.... I just don't know if I'm ready to be the only black person in church again. I did that thing in Connecticut and it was pretty much the same at Briarwood in Birmingham. It can be emotionally draining and culturally confusing over time. On top of all this, my relationship with God has been less than good over the past few months (or year for that matter), and I'm having a rough time with spirtual things altogether. Honestly, it feels a lot better to just avoid the whole issue and superficially "hangout" at church. So, hopefully, I will get all this stuff worked out. Pray for me.

Sorry, if this is too long of a blog...I have more to say, but I'll dish it out in portions....

Day 1 is done...

I started work today and things don't seem too overwhelming. We went to HR and become official employees and got our ID cards made. I swear I felt like I was a freshman all over again. The good thing is my boss bought all of us new RD's one piece of Santa Clara Clothing. So, despite the warm weather, we all as a group decided to get the more expensive items...sweatshirts and jackets...I know EVIL!...haha. But we figured if it was free, we might as well save our money for the cheaper items like t-shirts and hats.

I also got a chance to see my new office, which is a regular double room for students minus the furniture, but including the mirror and sink( to wash up after lunch I suppose.) It also has the long bulletin cork boards running along the wall. I'm gonna have SO much fun decorating and getting this place to feel like a real office. I am also living in a faculty suite until late August or early September, while my actual apartment is being built. I checked out the future site, and it is currenly four rooms on the top floor of my building with vaulted ceiling and beams from the roof...so there will be a nice feel to my new place complete with new appliances and furniture..I'M SO SIKED!! Til then, I will continue to live out the boxes I packed back in May...haha

I'm a Cali boy now!!!

Well, I made it here safe and sound. Drove up to the Grand Canyon on Tuesday and was so exhausted that I took the shuttle to a couple stops, snapped some shots and hit the road towards Los Angeles. I will add pcitures later (I forgot to bring my camera with me to the coffee shop). But, anyway, if you get a chance to visit the Grand Canyon....DO IT!! and take a couple days to take it all in. flagstaff is a wonderful city just south of it, and hotel rates aren't that bad if you travel with a few people and use priceline.

After driving 12 hours on Sunday, and another 13 on monday, my 8 hour trip to LA was a little bit tiresome. But I got some good rest in SoCal. Besides the awful smog that is everywhere because of pollution, hollywood was a fun place to visit. My buddy there took me to see the famous sign and we drove down to Venice Beach for the day on Wednesday. I took my final trek north to Santa Clara, which took me about 5 hours. Said Hi to a few folks in my departments office, and crashed like a plane with no engines until sometime this afternoon. I haven't been this tired since I took some sleeping pills on my 13 hour flight from LAX to Taipei, Taiwan. I kept trying to get up and move around, but my head wouldn't move, just kept sleeping.

So, I am totally lost in this new city, in terms of finding different things. Apparently, the campus is pretty central to a lot of things, but that also means I need to learn the lay of the land in order to get to the different places....UGH. thankfully the constant 85 degree breezy weather and endless palm trees keep me company when I lose my direction...haha. However, i'm sure the gas prices will encourage me to learn my way sooner than later. I paid a crazy 70 DOLLARS for a fill-up yesterday!!! AHH!!! Until I get my first pay check, daddy is not going to be happy with the amount I ask for during my weekly allowance calls...LOL.

Miss everyone...but have a feeling Cali will treat me right.... To start things out right, I get to hear BP preach this Sunday at church :-D

Cheers,
~DD

25 is my sleep number, whats yours?

Well, I made it to Flagstaff, Arizona last night...and managed to get a good rate at a Radisson Hotel for the night...needless to say the beds are more than comfortable, complete with remote control to adjust firmness of the mattress...haha. Well, I'm about to take a trip up to the South Rim of the Grand Canyon, and then driving to Burbank, CA to visit a friend and his family...Santa Clara soon enough....

Something I learned yesterday...Arizona (Indiana I knew about) is also a state that doesn't recognize Daylight Savings Time...I was a bit perplexed when my cell phone's time rolled back an hour when I crossed the AZ state line. I certain that AZ was in the Mountain Time Zone, but the desk clerk at the hotel educated me on the matter last night.

Fun fact: The restaurant I know as Hardee's is apparently called "Carl Jr.'s" out west LOL. I'm serious...at first I thought I was passing a former Hardee's that "Carl Jr." was too cheap to change the sign with the star and red awning. But, to my surprise, I passed at least 5 or 6 Carl Jr.'s throughout North Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona. Enough for now, time to get movin...

Stopped in OK City....

I drove about 11 hours yesterday, traveled thru Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas, and halfway thru Oklahoma.....I think I'm gonna cut out a day in my travels....I stopped in Oklahoma City last night and had my last taste of Waffle House for quite a while. (I don't think they have them out West.) So, my plan is to get to keep goin thru Texas, New Mexico and stop in Flagstaff, AZ (just south of grand canyon) before sunset tonight. If nightfalls beats me there, I will just get up really early to catch the sunrise in the grand canyon. Well, I'm off to check-out and hit the road.....

Cheers!

Leaving Birmingham this Sunday....

So, four weeks has gone by pretty fast. I spent some good times with friends, been to Six Flags and went out dancing. My family is still trying to get the new house together, so I guess they will be moving on their own in the next couple weeks. I hope to do some thinking and blogging while I'm on the road...

My road trip schedule: 40 hours of driving in 5 days...

Sunday (drive 12 hours): stopping in Oklahoma City, OK
Monday (drive 8 hours): stopping in Albuquerque, NM
Tuesday (drive 7 hours): stop and visit Grand Canyon national Park
Wednesday (drive 8 hours): stop in Burbank, CA
Thursday (drive 5 hours): arrive in Santa Clara, CA (my new home and job!!)

Be on the lookout for a blog during my stops... I'm only sleeping at hotels with free internet...haha