About a year ago, I met a great guy who seem to meet nearly all of my "non-negotiable" items on my list for a potential mate. He came from a seemingly healthy family, had supportive family members, had a nice career, educated, understood/value faith in God, and of course very easy on the eyes :). He was quite a bit younger than me, but the boy could really hold his own and I felt like he (like me) had an "old soul". I felt very drawn to him and within a matter of days, yes days, I decided to jump head first into a relationship with him. In retrospect, not the best decision I've made in my life. But, essentially, I had been single in Seattle for virtually my entire 3 years and figured this was my best shot at finding the ideal mate. Obviously, that didn't work out. As it turns out, non-negotiables may be helpful at first, but there are several other nuances that one must factor in their decision before entering into a committed relationship. Some factors I learned through my interactions with him and others. Some I discovered when we were apart. Obviously, it didn't work out, and its been awkward to say the least for both of us (well definitely for me). In the end, it wasn't just about me, and it wasn't just about him. It was about our paths in life and realizing we weren't on the same page about more things than we could manage and it was best to be apart than together. The hard part (for me) is letting go and allowing us both our spaces to deal with our own lives. I still value the idea of having a friendship with him, but that doesn't appear to be a viable option at this time.
Similarly, I have a very close-knit family back home. They literally live under one roof and/or in the same neighborhood, and see each other virtually everyday. I often describe myself as the momma's boy who flew the coop. I love my family dearly and would love to see them more often. But my personal journey requires some physical/emotional distance. My sisters and I share funny stories via text and we talk occasionally. I speak to mom over the phone fairly often, and dad less so. But, I haven't visited home in over a year... Why? Because I find myself feeling boxed in when I'm at home. I feel I have to be a different person when I'm around them, because they're not genuinely interested in learning more about my life; they just want me to be around more often (understandably these two aren't mutual exclusive). But, I feel pressure to either avoid talking about my dating/social life altogether or have very intense conversations about the topic, which is taxing on everyone. I wish we could just have casual conversations about the people involved in my life. I wish my nephews could grow knowing why uncle David doesn't have a girlfriend. I wish my conversations with my parents weren't limited to "how's work?" and "are you eating ok?". I'm sure this is what they would say if I were straight too, but I believe since I've come out, they resolved that asking about any form of family/relationship is just too painful to broach. So, I resolved that I won't fly home until we get to a better place. Seems a bit selfish on my part, but it's what I need to do to advocate for my own sanity and mental well-being. This may change overtime, but it's what's best for me.
Sometimes you have to take a step back and see yourself in a situation and not just be in the situation. Relationships require this more often than we think. I can be easy to go through the motions with people in our life and never take inventory on whether or not we are helping each other become better human beings. I only spoke about dating and family in this post, but this has been crucial in my decision to include certain people in my given and chosen family. People who you keep closest should be those who display the most congruence with your perspective in life. They may be in a similar place in life or have been where you are (vice versa). Or they simply know how to actively listen and respond with loving and mature levels of empathy (age, gender, orientation, ethnicity, and religion aside). Ultimately, we all have our own paths and it takes patience and courage to respect when they don't align as well as we hope. One step, one minute, one day at a time...
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