Influences on my Worldview

I recently took a week "break" from posting thoughts on Facebook and had a moment to collect my thoughts on why I've felt so impacted by the recent decisions. I know I have a high degree of empathy for others, but I needed take some time away to explore why I felt so overwhelmed with more stress (seemingly) than others I encounter today. Instead of judging myself or others regarding the degree at which we appear to be "impacted" by the recent actions, I decided to practice using "I statements" and share a few experiences and factors that impact my worldview.

• I grew up in the inner-city raised by high school educated very young parents. My hometown environment was mostly black, lower class, and under-educated. Unless you've lived in that environment, you don't understand the inherent struggle of wanting to have pride in your identity while realizing you were born into a disadvantaged ethnic group and community that the world views as bad, unsuccessful, and/or unworthy.

• BUT, I managed to "get out"… (in more ways than I recognize during any given day)

• While growing up, I was encouraged to experience other opportunities outside of my local community to learn from others. On the surface, these experiences gave me exposure to more affluent (mostly white) people and increase my ability to confidently interact with these individuals (my dad still prides himself on my ability to speak intelligently with his company's CEO, despite him working in the mechanic shop in the back of the house), but it also influence my ability to find commonalities with people that appeared different than me on the surface. Thanks to programs like Anytown USA, Youth Leadership Forum of Birmingham, YMCA Youth in Government, and many other groups, I found myself becoming one the "exceptions to the rule" that nothing good could come out of the inner city of Birmingham. Needless to say, these experiences gave me an appetite to get out and explore even more.

• I went to a majority white, public liberal arts university… further exposing me to more affluent individuals from all walks of life, but also exposing me to professors and students who challenged social norms and encourage intellectual discourse to help bring about change in our greater society.  The small campus and classrooms allowed me to feel like an individual and not simply a number. I had many mentors on campus that encouraged me to develop and grow beyond the coursework I studied.

• While in college, I left my traditional black church upbringing and got involved with a conservative (mostly white) Christian organization and church. At the time, I viewed this as another "growth opportunity" in my faith as Christian. However in hindsight, I view this as a learning opportunity as a human being and future human development professional. It was a bit of a social experiment to learn how white Christian philosophy uses its power to force conservative views onto others and discouraged any amount of critical thinking skills, but rather forces groupthink and in many ways further push individuals into conforming vs becoming their true and authentic self, uniquely designed by the Creator. Despite my tone, I don't regret going through this experience. It connected me with lifelong friends, and has helped me to maintain my faith in God, even if my life doesn't look the way those in the conservative church movement (or even my black church upbringing for that matter) believe it should.

• I moved away from my southern home… two years of grad school in the northeast, 3 years of working in the bay area at a very affluent catholic university, and ultimately moving to Seattle… my home for the past 8 years…all three locations have notably provided more open-minded and liberal thinking regarding the societal issues. Living in these locations has also exposed me to people from backgrounds that I would likely have never encountered by remaining in my southern hometown.

• I "came out", i.e. came to terms with my orientation as a gay man, and have had the privilege of meeting so many individuals who belong to the LGBTQ community. Our stories are all different, but we all share the commonality of knowing what it feels like to be born "different" even when our own families and friends can't quite comprehend. Some of us where born with an attraction to the same or other gendered identity. Some of us may have been born in bodies that do not match our personal identity. We are not the majority of people, but our lives matter and I believe we add value to our society when we are able to live our lives out loud and participate as equal citizens in our world.

• Somehow I found myself working in the tech industry… not only am I impressed by the beautiful minds of our engineers who create digital solutions for tasks and systems that we would otherwise do in a manual fashion, I'm equally impressed with the amount of diversity people who work in this industry. On any given day, I get to interact with people from 10+ different countries, cultural backgrounds, and religious views and familial customs. Many of these individuals come from backgrounds of poverty and have worked tirelessly to pursue a career that will change their life and their family's life forever. At the same time, this industry is overwhelming male, white and Asian… lacking any notable sign of female, black or Hispanic/Latino representation. These three groups in the US (and abroad) are of some of the most underpaid, under-educated, underappreciated, and I hope we can change that for the future.

• Finally, having moved out and around, learning to appreciate the beauty of diversity, many of my closest friends are immigrants and/or come from different backgrounds than my own. My assumptions about people from other backgrounds are constantly challenged because them. My heart for helping others has grown a thousand times just by knowing and loving them.

Because of these experiences (and many others I haven't yet pinned), I cannot simply view the current state of things by saying/thinking "just trust God", "lord have mercy", or quote some bible scripture that may soothe my soul in the moment. I can't simply sit back and say I'll "pray about it", because things have always been this bad for folks "like us" and we just need to weather this storm. I can't sit back and trust that some pragmatic approach by those in positions of power will eventually turn the tide on these issues. I can't turn a blind eye to the silence of those who hide behind their prejudice views, empowering those in political power to harm, discriminate, degrade, and shut out those who need our love and support more than ever. I will continue to seek diverse views on issues and learn from others experiences that are different than my own. I will continue to practice active empathy for others who justifiably feel threatened, marginalized, and targeted by others. I will continue to share my learnings, my voice, my experiences, my story to help impact positive change in our society and I pray and hope others will do so too. 

Dreams of my mother

So many people are setting up their fb pics with pictures of their mom. So, I'll join in and share this little diddy....

I love that my mom has always been our (my sisters and I) biggest cheerleader, even through our biggest fueding periods of time, she always has our back. Despite being the youngest of her sibs, she's the clear mother of the group and everyone looks to "NeNe, Nee, Nenora, Momma, Mrs Daniels, Nana" for support and encouragement. My biggest pride and joy is knowing that she and I will always see eye-to-eye, even when we disagree, even though I'm miles away, even when I go weeks without calling home to check in (she trolls my fb page through my sisters, so doesn't really worry about my whereabouts). Regardless, she knows my heart and understands my "calling" in life, even if that calling has caused me to change jobs every 2-3 years and I'm always hopping on a plane for work or another vacation (ha!). It's really uncanny and I wouldn't be the person I am today without that influence. 

Like many gay boys raised in the south, I struggled to find my voice. I searched to find it in many ways: church/school choir, a REALLY short stint as a cub scout, student leadership, marching band, academics, etc. These were all tools that helped me develop, but they weren't "my voice" per se. During one of my many "Mom, know I'm different, right?" conversations as an adult, my mom shared a story with me. She's always had very vivid dreams and usually finds ways to interpret them, as she believes God speaks to us through dreams. This particular dream she shared with me happened during a time when I was very young. It was a dream about fish (for those of black/southern heritage, you know this typically refers to someone being pregnant). This story had a twist. She was swimming in an ocean of sorts, and she found herself swimming amidst a huge sea of fish of various sizes, shapes, and colors of the rainbow. She didn't know what to make of the dream, so she called my paternal grandfather for guidance (such an interesting anecdote that I've yet to investigate further). Together they reached a conclusion that the dream was about me and the fact that I was clearly made different and beautiful. She didn't understand what that meant, but as I matured and began my coming out process, she realized that God had spoken to her as early as her pregancy days with me, that I would be different. Every since she shared this story with me, it has allowed me to rest easy and know that I am who I am for good reason. And that God has blessed me with the perfect mother to guide me as I grew up to be the man I am today. 

So, here's to all the beautiful school of rainbow fish in the world. Just keep swimming and do you. And to my mom, Lenora, thank you for being my rock.

Pura Vida Series: Part Seven (Finale)

Sit back, breathe, and enjoy the ride.

When my travel buddy and I decided to visit Costa Rica, we decided to split our time between “mountain” and “beach”. Thankfully this lush country offers a bit of both. The drive alone from the main city of San Jose to the beach 40 miles away involved over 2.5 hours of windy roads through many hills and valleys. During the first half of the trip we had a blast at the beach of Manuel Antonio. We met several guys and even received invites to a small pool party (we gays have a way of finding each other on the interwebs). The first half of the trip met my requirements for a fun-filled vacation: beach, meeting new people, sun, speedos, parties and tropical cocktails.

The second half of the trip involved traveling to the famous Arenal volcano. We booked a nice resort with the best natural hot springs on site. It was quite nice and most rooms came with a view of the volcano. I very much enjoyed soaking in the hot springs and even getting some time alone to write (hence a 7 part blog post). Our resort was nice, but definitely a slower pace than our time at the beach, and my extroverted nature craved interaction. I knew this would likely be the case. So, I made a point to find ways to satisfy my extrovert tendencies.

The fun thing about being an extrovert is you don’t necessary need to have human interaction. I enjoyed listening to music while writing, I worked out a bit at the small resort gym, and of course there were the occasional run-ins with my fellow extroverts who were there with their spouse or family. We tend to find each other no matter where we are. To give myself some much needed adventure, I made a point to try something new and face my one of my fears. During our second day, we booked a horseback riding tour and canopy zip-lining. I’ve always wanted to go horseback riding, but never had a chance to do so. I’ve also heard most people say how sore you get from riding your first time, but we had the hot springs to soak in for another day. So, that set my mind at ease, perfect situation. Zip-lining, on the hand, brought up a lot of fear and anxiety. I mean, you are hanging from a rope with no net below to catch you if you fall (AH!!). Sure there are lot of things to keep you secure, but the thought of doing it scared the bejesus out of me. Needless to say, there were no casualties during our experience. The horseback riding was awesome. My horse “Chinco” was mild tempered and responded well to my direction. We even go to speed up a bit along the way. The views of the volcano up close were beyond breath-taking. It was only partially visible, due to the constant rolling fog surrounding it, but we stood in awe at every view point along our tour. Zip-lining was beyond exhilarating, and definitely an Adrenalin pumping activity. In order to prep for myself for this, I had to do a lot of mental talk to prevent any moments of panic, and I decided to re-frame my thinking and visualize myself as a human roller coaster. My final strategy when we arrived on the platform, was to go first and “get it over with”. No need to build up anymore anticipation, just enjoy the ride.

There’s no need to belabor things in this post.  In short, I’m learning to be more open to the adventures of life. Maybe it’s my background of organizing ropes courses and team building activities, but I tend to look for deeper meanings during everyday activities. It makes the time go by faster and I tend to get more satisfaction out of life. By re-framing my thinking and visualizing a deeper meaning beyond hanging from a rope, I was able to take in the views a bit more, laugh a bit and reflect on the beauty around us every day. Despite all the challenging we face, perspective is everything. As we enter into a new trip around the sun, here’s to taking a moment to look around and focus on those people and experiences that make life enjoyable and worth it.

Oh and here’s video of one of the longer rides.

Happy New Year and #Pura Vida

Pura Vida Series: Part Six

Exploring the right fit, learning from stepping stones and keeping focused on the ultimate goal…

I must admit, ever since I was a little kid I wanted to “change the world”. I think the cool kids now calling "being epic".  I didn’t know how, but I knew I wanted my life to have an impact on others. This is mostly rooted in my Christian upbringing and modeled heavily by my parents. Despite growing up in a low-income inner city neighborhood, my parents strived to raise “model children” and we were often regarded as “good kids” in school. My dad  worked a day job to keep a roof over our heads, but he also worked multiple side gigs to make sure we had more than enough. My mom, who’s a bonafide homemaker, made sure my three sisters and I had tons of support in school. She was more than just a “PTA parent/soccer mom". She put in hours of volunteer time to support our us and our schools. She was president of the band boosters throughout most of our Daniels sibling tenure in the marching band, she sold snacks out the trunk of her car after school to raise money for our band uniforms, and she even organized serving “lunch” to hundreds of students in night school working hard to make up classes and/or to get ahead in school. On top of all of this, our family remained active in our church. Dad served as a deacon and head of the finance committee, and for many years led our church’s youth group on Thursday nights, renting a van each week and picking up kids to bring them to our church for bible studies. Honestly, I can’t really recount all the things my parents did to support us and our community, but I am extremely grateful for their influence on my life. And not at all surprised that my sisters and I all chose “helping professions” for our degree programs and overall careers. Sure, we had big dreams (I wanted to be an OB/GYN or Neonatologiost, but my first Bio class in college encouraged me to simply focus on my education major J), but I think in our core, we are most satisfied when we can see tangible real-life examples of our impact on others. We have about 8 advance degrees between us, and more to come I’m sure. Not bad for 4 kids raised by teen parents without any formal education beyond high school or community college.

When I assess where I am regarding my goal to “change the world”, I tend to graph out my activities into four categories. Job, Career, Vocation, and Calling. These four overlap in many ways, but it has helped me reframe my thinking when faced with difficult challenges, job offers, project work, volunteerism, etc.

JOBS

Jobs are just that… work that pays. No need to look for any intrinsic qualities, just get it done, earn that check, and move on! We’ve all had those types of experiences at various times. For some, this may simply be that first job as a teenager. For me, it all started as a Cashier at Boston Market at the tender age of 16 and lasted only a few short months… I quickly shifted to working retail at a small men’s clothing store and eventually landed a job at Banana Republic a few short months later (This is explains my love for classic dapper men’s fashion). The truth of the matter is many people can simply work “jobs” for their entire lives. But, the concept of a “job” is all about perspective, from the minimum wage worker, to a high powered executive making millions. Viewing what you do for work as a simple “job” will always yield minimal satisfaction. I believe MLK said it best in his famous Street Sweeper speech https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlV_ODrEL0k. Now we all know there are tedious tasks required to complete our work. Those can be considered jobs, but you’re struggling to find any level of excitement for the work you do throughout the entire day, it may be time to consider what is next…

CAREER

I’m essentially 3-4 years into my second career. I finished a masters nearly 10 years ago (yikes) and thoroughly enjoyed my time working in higher education. I enjoyed counseling and advising students, I enjoyed supervising student employees… Hell, I actually enjoyed the difficult conduct conversations with students in our disciplinary process. But most of all, I loved the connections, mentorship, and professional advocacy work that drives the discipline of student affairs administrators. I attended conferences twice a year, and even held a national role supporting our new professionals and graduate students. In many ways, I felt I my career track was heading for Dean of Students of VP of Student Affairs. But, something in my heart of hearts felt like there had to be more for me to do. I struggled with figuring that out, until I found my way into a corporate HR role. I felt so much joy making the transition as many of you that follow me on facebook could tell… (#ilovemyjob was for once not sarcasm). Now that I’m becoming a seasoned HR professional, I’m made some conscious decisions to only sign up for specific projects and roles that will help me gain skills for the future. Sounds simple enough, right? However, as you can imagine, in corporate world, it can be very easy to sign up for “high visibility” projects to get noticed by others. I actually view projects like these as “jobs”, regardless of the outcome. I just can’t bring myself to be fully invested in projects that don’t align with my passion, and no one should. Trust, if you’re not passionate about a role or a project, someone else will step up. We all have to roll up our sleeves from time to time. But I’m grateful I’ve had opportunities that have given be intrinsic satisfaction and had some form of high impact/visibility. The beauty and challenge in striking this balance: patience and waiting on the right opportunity and finding smaller projects outside of your current situation to find moments of joy. And if finding joy in your current situation is just not possible. It may be time to consider changing your career. Who says you have to stay in the same career your entire anyway? I’m on my second, and definitely not my last…

VOCATION

One of the concepts I took from my time working at a Jesuit university was the concept of “Vocation”. Students were often encouraged to discern what they were “good at”, understanding where the world needs that work to be done, and focusing energy to find those opportunities. My vocation is helping others. Plain and simple. I’m a natural networker, I help people process decisions, and I think I’m pretty good at listening and offering advice. The complexity is in finding the right time, place, and manner to use this superpower. My past career in education and even my upbringing has always included non-profit type work. So, figuring out how to do this while working full-time and traveling a ton, has been challenging. But, I’ve learn that it is best to channel your energy in the places that will make the greatest impact AND give you enough energy and time to rest and recoup. I made the decision to join the board for a non-profit two years ago, an organization I’ve volunteered for the past 6.5 years. My involvement has shifted over time, and I’ve grown in ability to support the organization in different ways. I’m in a position to give more money that I did when I first started, but I’m in a place where I can’t commit to volunteering countless hours for our annual festival. I always view “board member” as a lofty position for non-profits, but it has been fun to see how a small group of people can have such a large impact on an organization and ultimately a community. I may not work full-time in the non-profit sector, but I’m thankful to practice my vocation of helping those in need in the best way I can right now.

CALLING

Calling is a slightly nuanced term. My Christian background would say my calling is to follow Christ. But what does that mean besides following biblical teachings? I grew up in the South as a black gay kid; I moved across the country and have met lots of people from various backgrounds and experiences; I work in tech and interact with some of the brightest minds in the world; and I also see a nation and world that is hurting with injustice and desperately yearns for healing. What role do I play? The answer is the role of David. My calling is to be the best and most authentic version of myself. My calling is to be intentional with my thoughts, words, and deeds. My calling is to speak out against injustice and listen and share insights with those within my reach. My calling is to think about how all these life experiences can be synthesized to create a greater meaning and purpose for those other than myself. I have a dear friend who I affectionately call my #lifetimefave. We have the most thoughtful conversations and since the moment we met, we have been kindred spirits. He’s essentially my platonic husband and he stuck with my crazy antics. He’s a software engineer and he understands the concept of purpose. He has some successful start-up ideas, and some that have failed. But he always stays true to himself in his endeavors. In one our last exchanges he asked me what time of company I would create if he had endless resources. I mulled on the idea and said I wasn’t sure, but the question prompted me to think about my calling and all the experiences and skills I’ve acquired over the years. It wasn’t very long that a flash bulb went off in my head. My face beamed with excitement and I sent him a simple text a few days later: “I think I’ve discovered my life’s calling!” After I explained it to him, he immediately started suggesting ways to bring this calling to fruition. I explained that I’ll need a bit more time to percolate on the idea, but I would keep him posted. Words can’t express how thankful I am for friends like him. I can’t quite share this calling with others for now, but I can say that I’m very excited to see what comes of this brainchild and I hope one day it will have a lasting impact for those who are desperately looking for true change in our world for the better. More on that for months and years to come. For now…

#PuraVida

Pura Vida Series: Part Five

Saving Face: An extrovert with generalized anxiety

This feels like one of the most personal posts I’ve written to date, because it deals with a nearly invisible trait of my personality. A few years back before moving to Seattle, (in fact, it happened during my flight to Seattle for an interview that led to me moving there a few short weeks later) I had what most people who consider a moderate panic attack. I’ve always been a nervous flyer (A jet setter who’s a nervous flyer…who knew? Thank you in-flight booze.), and this 2.5 hour flight had a bit a turbulence. As we the pilot navigated the plane to the safest altitude, I gripped the handles in my seat, held my head back, prayed for safety, and begin to have a lump in my throat that felt like I was going to choke. I knew I would be fine, but the lump in my throat never seemed to surpass. I landed and had a great interview experience. I even gave a presentation to a room of 50+ people. It was intimidating and I wanted nothing more than to just be done with the day and go back to my hotel to obsess over what was “wrong with me”. Looking back on that moment (thanks to some supportive friends and getting additional help from trained professionals), I learned that what I experienced was an acute moment of what is considered Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Whenever I tell this story to friends, they are often quite surprised and wouldn’t ever guess that I deal with these issues. The truth of the matter is I’ve found ways to manage it quite well, but vacations take me to a place of reflection on how anxiety and my ways of coping with it can positivity/negatively impact me and perhaps those around me.

One of the concepts of responding to anxiety is the dichotomy of “Fight vs Flight”. Generally speaking humans respond to most stressed induced situations by either avoiding it or attacking it head-on. You get one guess as my typical response... Yes, #ImaFighter. For me, avoiding stressors only makes the problem bigger over time. I tend to find ways to mitigate stress quickly, as it has a long term net positive result to my physical/mental well-being. This could be as simple as talking things through with a friend or seeking understanding from other sources. I also work through a process of cause an effect in my head and determine to trade-offs and benefits to various approaches. Keep in mind, this all happens in my head while I’m just casually hanging out with friends, getting basic work tasks done, and even while working out at the gym. It also means that my actions are almost never flippant, I tend to think and rethink decisions over in my head before taking action. (Why am I writing this post again?) As much as I’d like to be “raw” and share my particular stressors, I’ll reserve those topics for 1:1 conversations with those who’d like to chat more.

The point of this post is to open up and call out the reality that even the most social and extroverted people struggle with anxiety, depression, and other common mental health issues. They are all easily manageable, with the right support and mindful practices, but they are indeed quite common. So, why the stigma? Why do people work so hard at hiding it? Why don’t we openly discuss it with our friends and family? Sadly, these health issues are still viewed as a weakness and most people are not well-versed on the topic. My panic attack story wasn’t simply my nerves from turbulence. It was the culminating moment of realizing several intense decisions and resolutions I had made for myself (coming out, moving to a new city and the unknown impact being more open about my life with family and friends). And if I really look back at my life, I’ve dealt with some form of anxiety from the moment I realized I was “different” from other people, as early as kindergarten. Needless to say a lot of the stressors in my life have subsided since making the big move, but I try to be mindful of things that trigger anxiety and address them as much as I can as early as I can. I’ve also learned to keep very few trusted friends close to me. They tend to know my triggers and I feel safe talking with them openly when I need to work through something.

The other point of drafting this post is to call out some of the beauties of having anxiety (for me at least). Having worked through my own mental health issues, and perhaps coming from a marginalized background, I have a healthy dose of empathy and can be quite skilled at helping other work through challenges. I guess that’s why they pay me the big bucks to work in HR (said no one ever). But, seriously, I feel quite blessed to have an eye, ear, and heart for finding ways to understand others and provide assistance where I can. Despite being quite loquacious, I’m a good listener and pick up on the words spoken between the lines when people share thoughts with me. I pick up on body languages and levels of discomfort in social settings well before others. (This can be a blessing and a curse, btw). The reality is, I’ve learned not to stigmatize myself for having a unique skills and ability, and breathe through the moments when certain triggers rear their ugly heads… oh and to take vacations to give the mind a break from the day-to-day :)

#PuraVida

DISCLAIMER: If you feel you or someone you know is dealing with a potential mental health issue, please encourage them to seek out (medical/professional) help sooner than later. With the right support and guidance, we can all be positive contributors to each other’s success. These issues impact each person in different ways, but there are lots of simple practices that help make a world of a difference in our quality of life.

Pura Vida Series: Part Four

Tree Pose… it’s more than just a yoga pose for me.

Yoga is one of my favorite athletic and meditative activities. When you fully invest in the practice, it calms the mind, focuses your energy, promotes healthy reflection, and provides a powerful workout of strength, stability, and endurance. One of my favorite yoga principles is listening to your body. In many ways, humans tend to simply use their body as a vehicle to get stuff done, which can create total havoc on this precious vessel we’ve been given. Unlike my Christian upbringing, yoga provides an opportunity to connect mind, body, and soul. If we are intentional, we can incorporate this interconnection into all areas of life. But, rolling out the mat is a great place to start. I’m not one of those competitive yogis who’s always looking to try a new pose or push my body to extremes (although I admittedly admire and ogle at those who do…guilty grin). But, rather, I simply appreciate the sun salutations and basic postures that challenge the mind and body to find a stable position, activate muscles rarely used in regular activities, and focus on the here and now. I enjoy a good warrior one, and two… reverse warrior, side angle, and even plank…. But the posture that brings me home is Tree Pose. On the surface, I feel most confident in this pose, because I’ve always had pretty good balance. But, deep down I feel it connects to my childhood (ok, adulthood too) desire to be a trained dancer. Growing up I never felt very attractive, one of those things when you grow up subconsciously knowing you are different than others around you. However, as a child I was always flexible. I could bend my body in odd ways and even through my teens (ok even today) I can be found sleeping in the oddest positions. As my body matured, I noticed that I inherited a healthy blend of my father’s lean build and my wee bit of height from my mother’s side (her twin brother is slim and quite tall). I also noticed, that I could eat constantly and never grow beyond a 32 inch waist (I know. I know. Rough life!). Whenever I look in the mirror one of the first things that comes to mind is wondering what my life would look like if I had pursued a life of dance.

As I’ve progressed through my late-20s and now mid-30s (how the hell did that happen?!), standing in tree pose makes me feel A-LIVE!! For those few brief moments, I feel like I’m that principal ballet dancer I aspired to be as a kid, or perhaps that gymnast that wins the gold at the Olympics. But mostly, I find myself focusing on staying balanced and grounded on one foot and breathing through the slight adjustments my foot, leg, core, and overall body need to make to stay in posture. These micro-adjustments fire up all sorts of muscles, and while my body is busy adjusting, my breaths provide me moments to reflect on the challenges of staying grounded and balanced in all of life. Of course, occasionally, I’m not able to hold the posture as long as I would like, and may even have trouble setting up the pose from the outset. Those moments also remind me to laugh through the mishaps and give myself permission to try again and again and again. After all, life is lived breath by breath and it all balances out at the end.

#PuraVida… or perhaps #Namaste :)

Pura Vida Series: Part Three

Dating & Relationships: The anxieties of living as a socially adept, black gay man.

Being gay and black are often the two most prominent identities that resonate with me. A close third would be socio-extrovert, as you will likely experience that within seconds of meeting me. These strong characteristics make dating life quite exhilarating (weee!)… and also quite challenging (eeek!).  In the same breath I can feel like a magical unicorn and also the hunchback of Notre Dame. Obviously, I strive for striking in the middle of these two extremes, but just keeping it real here for the sake of this post.

It is no surprise to anyone familiar with the cultural layout of the USA that Seattle is a VERY WHITE city; not just in its overall demographic, but also in its cultural norms. There are so many awesome features of living in this Pacific Northwest urban oasis: environmentally conscious, community activism, thriving tech scene. And at the same time, at the risk of making sweeping generalizations, I’ll just say it is clear to me the Scandinavian roots of the city bleed into most social interactions. People are more reserved and less communicative than other areas of the country, based on my experience. And quite frankly, many people have limited experiences interacting with people who are different from themselves. However, being a bubbly social guy like me can be a welcomed addition to most social settings (I know. Humblebrag). Plainly put, I’m generally “that guy” who quickly brings vibrant life to a party (guilty grin)… But on a serious note, I’m genuinely curious to learn more about people and actively pursue casual chats with others. This, of course, leads to the notion of flirting. I’m guilty of it… ALL. THE. TIME. Sometimes harmless and unintentional, sometimes…well… very intentional. This behavior can be a double-edged sword. It seems I’m constantly reminded that my gregarious personality is rare quality…and also a big deterrent for guys I’ve dated. I’m that guy that goes out to dinner and strikes up an actual conversation with my server/bartender. By end of the meal, we are planning a meet-up the following week. (Seriously, this has happened too many times to count).  So, you can probably imagine, it can be difficult to envision a compatible mate.

So, how does race play into all this…. Well, I’d like to imagine a world where race doesn’t matter, but that just isn’t true. Being black makes dating quite a bit more challenging. Add in the notion of being formally “educated”, seemingly affluent, socially adept, hyper-aware of cultural differences, and interested in dating others who may be from a different background… and it almost begins to feel like a losing battle. In no way am I hunting for pity in this post (remember, I'm a unicorn, dammit! :P). But, I do wish to call out the notion that dating is tough for people of color and more people should recognize that, specifically in our gay/LGBT community. This covers all areas of the spectrum; from guys who tend to avoid dating any people of color like the plague to those who seem to exclusively dated people of color or even a specific race to an uncomfortable fetish-like degree. I’m not challenging people to completely overhaul their dating preferences, but rather take a moment to reflect on how you treat others who may appear to be different to the general population. Believe it or not, every interaction matters. This is true of all humans, but especially true of those who are already marginalized in greater society. I personally believe every human being comes with an implied label of “handle with care”, but let’s be honest with ourselves… we know what (media-driven) society says is beautiful, desirable, represents wealth and status, etc. Thankfully, this is slowly changing. In the meantime, let’s be mindful of how you treat those who do not look the part of the ideal.

On a happier note, my dating adventures this year, have mostly been quite enjoyable. Sure, there’ve been a few bumps in the road, but I’ve given myself permission to go on vacations and even date outside of Seattle (yes, I’ve decided that long-distance is indeed a viable option for me). I’m single at the moment, and actively find ways to be content with that. Overall, my attempts at finding love have reminded me that I cannot settle for dating someone who doesn’t want to love all of me (and vice-versa). We are all complex beings, and no one should settle to be married to someone just because they meet societal expectations of what is ideal or anyone who simply fills a gap of loneliness. In all of my dating adventures, I’ve learned that it’s important to keep your self-worth in check. Even for this extrovert, meditation and practice of mindfulness are essential. In the words of the infamous RuPaul, “If you can’t love yourself, how-the-hell you gone’ love somebody else?”

#PuraVida

Pura Vida Series: Part Two

Dealing with loss…

How quickly the time passes. I rang in 2015 at my new apartment with a view of the Space Needle. It was a fun housewarming with fireworks atop the local icon at the stroke of midnight. Like the feeling of meeting new people, I love the feeling of fresh starts. New Year’s Eve is one of those nights for me. Sadly, 2015 started with a good bit of loss. One of dearest mentors from high school passed away in January. I didn’t think it would hit me so hard at first. But, I began thinking back to the people who have influenced my life the most, and he is one of the first to say “David you are different and you will go places”. That made me feel special and it also made me feel a great deal of pressure to be successful and literally “go places”. When I graduated from grad school in 2006, my parents threw a mini-sendoff banquet for me, inviting our extended family, church members, and a host of my high school mentors. Mr. Dismuke spoke, in the most fervent manner, about me leaving Birmingham for the west coast and said (paraphrasing) “As I mentor young black men in Birmingham, my desire is typically to have them stay in Birmingham and make it a better city. But, David has always been different. He grew up here, he became a strong leader, and he went on to pursue education outside of these Southern walls. It is no surprise to me that he is choosing to move onward to other areas of this country. He hasn’t outgrown his roots, but rather he needs to move on to continue growing.” As he spoke, tears welling up in my eyes, I had flashbacks to my high school days when he encouraged me to get involved with leadership programs outside of my school. He explained that the more I became exposed to others outside of my school, the more I would be able to grow as a leader and influence change in our society. Even as I write this reflection, so many stories pop in my head that shaped who I am today. So, to say I was heartbroken by his passing is an understatement. Saying goodbye to Mr. Dismuke was one of the hardest things I’ve done to date. In addition to losing Mr. Dismuke, my closest friend Jose lost the love of his life to cancer a few short months later. Although I can’t imagine the pain of his loss, I definitely felt a good bit of grief myself. Although I attened 3 weddings this year, I missed the one that meant the most to me. I knew we would likely lose Derek, given the type of cancer and its rapid progression…and I wanted nothing more than to fix everything for Jose. I’m glad they were able to spend time together and even say “I do”. Alas, the inevitable happened, and I would do anything to change that.

Death and loss is quite powerful, and can have long lasting effects if you don’t address those needs in a healthy and consistent way. I try to stay active and healthy, but I will admit I probably should have taken more moments to practice healthier self-care. In the end, I rung in the New Year thinking that this would be a tough year and success would be simply making it through, and so far that has happened. And for that I’m grateful. I’m grateful for those who have helped make it worthwhile.

#PuraVida

Pura Vida Series: Part One

Making changes to support the concept of family

Over the past 3 years, I enjoyed a job that allowed me to travel quite a bit. I thoroughly enjoyed being the new guy in town and making connections wherever I landed. From the local bartender, to the hotel staff, and in most cases local residents who welcomed me with open arms (in fact, I’m in Costa Rica right now with a friend I met during my travels a couple years ago). It’s a wonderful feeling to be welcomed and to see life through a different social setting and to make connections beyond your day-to-day surroundings. 

Traveling so frequently also brings a feeling of disconnection. In many ways, I felt like a nomad and my home felt more and more like a hotel room. My friends back home became more and more like close acquaintances from college or high school; our interactions limited to Facebook comments and silly text messages here and there. I knew it was important to invest in a chosen family and I would need to make a concerted effort to cultivate those relationships. Instead of investing in a widespread of people, I chose to focus on those that seem to know me best and stuck around when things weren’t so exciting and reciprocated the love and support I tend to give to others. There are a lot of great people in Seattle, and many have shown me lots of love, but it can be difficult to feel included when you’re traveling all over the place. 

In light of all this, I made changes… instead of dreaming about moving to a new city (typical wanderlust tendencies), I took a job that involved little to no travel (gasp!). I also ended a second job that took me away to SF fairly often. I also moved to an apartment that felt better suited for hosting friends, with a rooftop grill and a nice view to boot. I started spending more time with close friends and it feels good to know I have family at home. I may have given in to the urge to travel a "few" times this year, but at least they were mostly long weekends away and not work-related. What can I say? Old habits die hard…and I have fun stories and new connections to remind me that life is good, as long as you focus on the things that matter. Here’s to more investment in chosen family, near and far.

#PuraVida