It's not you(me), it's me(you)... respecting individuality

Healthy relationships are the corner stones of any thriving group of people. It requires patience, communication, and respect for individual perspectives. I know this all too well and find myself navigating this   challenge in nearly every interaction it seems. Yes, I love to have fun and shoot the proverbial shit with friends and family. But, I'll admit to over-analyzing more than my fair share of interactions with others. I'd also be fooling myself not to admit that a recent break-up and on-going issues with my family back home didn't prompt this post and my overall desire to start blogging again...

About a year ago, I met a great guy who seem to meet nearly all of my "non-negotiable" items on my list for a potential mate. He came from a seemingly healthy family, had supportive family members, had a nice career, educated, understood/value faith in God, and of course very easy on the eyes :). He was quite a bit younger than me, but the boy could really hold his own and I felt like he (like me) had an "old soul". I felt very drawn to him and within a matter of days, yes days, I decided to jump head first into a relationship with him. In retrospect, not the best decision I've made in my life. But, essentially, I had been single in Seattle for virtually my entire 3 years and figured this was my best shot at finding the ideal mate. Obviously, that didn't work out. As it turns out, non-negotiables may be helpful at first, but there are several other nuances that one must factor in their decision before entering into a committed relationship. Some factors I learned through my interactions with him and others. Some I discovered when we were apart. Obviously, it didn't work out, and its been awkward to say the least for both of us (well definitely for me). In the end, it wasn't just about me, and it wasn't just about him. It was about our paths in life and realizing we weren't on the same page about more things than we could manage and it was best to be apart than together. The hard part (for me) is letting go and allowing us both our spaces to deal with our own lives. I still value the idea of having a friendship with him, but that doesn't appear to be a viable option at this time.

Similarly, I have a very close-knit family back home. They literally live under one roof and/or in the same neighborhood, and see each other virtually everyday. I often describe myself as the momma's boy who flew the coop. I love my family dearly and would love to see them more often. But my personal journey requires some physical/emotional distance. My sisters and I share funny stories via text and we talk occasionally. I speak to mom over the phone fairly often, and dad less so. But, I haven't visited home in over a year... Why? Because I find myself feeling boxed in when I'm at home. I feel I have to be a different person when I'm around them, because they're not genuinely interested in learning more about my life; they just want me to be around more often (understandably these two aren't mutual exclusive). But, I feel pressure to either avoid talking about my dating/social life altogether or have very intense conversations about the topic, which is taxing on everyone. I wish we could just have casual conversations about the people involved in my life. I wish my nephews could grow knowing why uncle David doesn't have a girlfriend. I wish my conversations with my parents weren't limited to "how's work?" and "are you eating ok?". I'm sure this is what they would say if I were straight too, but I believe since I've come out, they resolved that asking about any form of family/relationship is just too painful to broach. So, I resolved that I won't fly home until we get to a better place. Seems a bit selfish on my part, but it's what I need to do to advocate for my own sanity and mental well-being. This may change overtime, but it's what's best for me.

Sometimes you have to take a step back and see yourself in a situation and not just be in the situation. Relationships require this more often than we think. I can be easy to go through the motions with people in our life and never take inventory on whether or not we are helping each other become better human beings. I only spoke about dating and family in this post, but this has been crucial in my decision to include certain people in my given and chosen family. People who you keep closest should be those who display the most congruence with your perspective in life. They may be in a similar place in life or have been where you are (vice versa). Or they simply know how to actively listen and respond with loving and mature levels of empathy (age, gender, orientation, ethnicity, and religion aside). Ultimately, we all have our own paths and it takes patience and courage to respect when they don't align as well as we hope. One step, one minute, one day at a time...

One year later... it's all about perspective

Over the past year, several colleagues and friends have asked why I chose to change careers. I usually give my "PR response" that being a college recruiter for tech jobs is not very different from being a student affairs professional. You just have to work hard at increasing your business acumen and learn where to utilize your soft skills and knowledge in the new space (true, but there was more to this decision of course). I also receive questions about how I managed to get a job outside of higher ed; and I usually say it was sheer luck (also very true, but I must admit there was some subtle strategy on my part).

Rewind to spring 2012... Without disclosing too much information, I will say that this time last year was very difficult for me as a professional. I had worked very hard for 6+ years building a career as a student housing and college administrator. Navigating campus politics was essential each and every day (so it seemed), but I genuinely enjoyed my work and constantly found ways to be re-energized and apply innovative approaches to my work. When I moved to Seattle 4 years ago, my plan was two-fold: 1. move to a city where I can have a personal network of friends outside of work, and 2. find a job that could provide opportunities for career advancement over time. When I learned how much growth would be occurring at my last job, I assumed I had found a perfect opportunity. Unfortunately, 3 years later, I found myself in a very awkward space that led to me being "passed over" for a promotion. There was of course lots of bureaucracy involved in this decision, and ultimately I believe the job went to the right person. But the most challenging problem was learning how to navigate the awkwardness in the workplace, realizing that some people had full knowledge of the situation and others had no clue where I stood in this internal process until the very end.

My challenge: Keep Calm and Carry On. My inner city prideful family upbringing taught me to "never let them see you sweat". Coming from an underprivileged background can teach you some not-so helpful lessons of keeping your guard up. But this was a time where this philosophy was well worth it. Did it hurt to not be considered for a role I knew I "deserved"? Absolutely! Did it sting to hear that others with "less" experience were able to advance ahead of me? You better believe it! Ha! But, at the end of the day, my desire to maintain professional yet authentic relationships with all involved became a bigger priority than simply "keeping face at the board room table". Needless to say, this was no easy feat.

A big thank you to close friends and mentors who listened to me vent about the situation, gave me space to laugh and cry about things, and helped me to reframe the situation and  focus on what I could control. I resolved that moving on was the only option... but where? The job market sucked and student affairs salaries don't exactly provide you with ample resources to maintain a certain quality of life in major cities. Do I bite the bullet and look for jobs in suburban rural areas ("Oh hell No!", I'd said to myself every time I saw a job posting at po-dunk town university). Or do I cast a wide net and start looking for opportunities outside of higher ed? A much more reasonable idea. This is where my personal work/life balance philosophy and quality of life strategies came in quite handy.

Going back to my personal reasons for moving to Seattle (building a personal network), I found myself focusing more on friendships, social activities, and less on "work". I still cared about my job, but I found ways to be more efficient, delegate, and spent more time on me. I actually attended a conference in Portland this time last year that was focused on storytelling and learning how to frame your experience to better understand your personal journey in life. I found ways to apply this to my future work, but mostly realized this was God's way of helping me to see that life is all about perspective.

When I returned from this conference I had a gut feeling that something promising was about to happen. It may have just been post-conference optimism, but I seemed happier returning to work and was ready to just "move on". About a year prior I started running, and ran a few 5Ks even. Initially, it was for physical fitness and testing my own endurance, but it was also a way to let out stress from what I realize was not the healthiest work environment for me. I also joined a running group of gay men called Frontrunners. This group meets on Saturdays and runs 3-6 mile courses and meets afterwards to for coffee. I had managed to meet lots of nice guys, but it was definitely more casual hangout than a networking opportunity for me. As chance would have it, I met a guy a couple weeks post-Portland conference and learned that he was a college recruiter for a tech company. This was our exchange.
ME: So, what type of work do you do?
KK: I'm a college recruiter for x company.
ME: OMG! Hire me!
KK: Well, actually we are hiring lots of people right now.
ME: Again, seriously, HIRE ME!
KK: Well, what type of work do you do?
ME: I'm a lowly student housing professional but I love recruiting and have lots of transferable skills....
KK: Wow, that actually sounds like a good fit for our team and might help you do well in this space. Send me your resume and I'll see if we can get you in for a phone screen.
ME: awesome!  

A few days later I had a phone screen. A week later, a final round. And the rest is history. In the end, being "passed over" for a promotion was definitely a blessing in disguise. I was brought to one of my lowest points personally/professionally, but I learned a lot about myself and was stretched in ways that I never imagined. And more importantly, I have a job/career that excites me beyond belief. Even one of my senior student affairs mentors said "David, this job sounds perfect for you. I'm actually quite jealous." Would I ever consider going back to higher ed? Maybe. But, I'm enjoying the newness of this stage in life and just happy to be where I am. Sometimes it pays to just stick with the not-so happy times and learn to ride the turbulent waves until things get better.

Extrovert in an introverted city

When I first moved to Seattle, I made a conscious effort to go out and socialize with lots of people in the city. Most often at bars, but also at various volunteer events. I quickly noticed that a number of people at bars tend to stand with pods of friends and/or stand by themselves, notice people around them, but rarely and/or never make an effort to say hello to others around them. This I quickly learned to be a sign of the "Seattle freeze". Being the gregarious person I am, I often made an effort to introduce myself to random people who appeared to be open to conversation (anyone not obsessively looking down at their feet or phone). I figured, despite how "closed" everyone appeared to be, they were clearly interested in being in a social environment. So, why not engage them in social dialogue? For several weeks/months, I only encountered a few awkward moments where people weren't willing to engage beyond a simple "hello. how's your night going?". In fact, I actually received an interesting response from most people. "Oh, you're new here, and not afraid to say hello to people in public. You'll do really good in Seattle. We need more people like you." (paraphrasing of course). But, seriously, this was the reaction I received from multiple people. Little did I know this friendly disposition would come to bite me in my gregarious ass over time! ha! Don't get me wrong. I've met some great people and had established several strong friendships in my nearly 4 years here. But, I've also learned that apparently, I'm too forward, too assertive, too socially/self-aware(?) for some people, and have found myself often times feeling as lonely as the awkward nerdy guy sitting at the bar looking down at his shoes (yes, these type of people frequent Seattle bars). What do I mean by lonely? Basically, because I'm one of the few people willing to put myself out there and meet others, I tend to scare the more timid type people away (even guys who may be interested in dating me. gasp!). I never thought being too friendly and secure in ones own self would be considered a turn-off, but I'm starting to think it is indeed a flaw to some guys. Not ready to make any drastic decisions, but beginning to think I'm "damned if I do and damned if I don't" as my folks would say...